The Boy on the Flying Trapeze
by Angelblaze2007
Summary: Gon's a lion and animal tamer at a traveling circus, he's sixteen, coming into his own and realizing both how messed up he is and how abusive his bosses are - worse, he's falling in love with the Boy on the Flying Trapeze. Warning: MxM, Multiple Pairings, abuse, rape, etc.
1. The Curtain Rises

The spotlight shines on the center platform and there he is in all his wicked glory, Hisoka. The applause rings out and everyone's waiting with baited breath for the speech that they may have heard a million times before. Knowing him, Hisoka finds some subtle, bullshit way to make it new every time. "Ladies and gentlemen, we live in a dangerous world of many wretched horrors. Lions, beasts, snakes, bills! It all seems to never end, but now I present to you a young man with the strength to conquer at least three of those things, five times over - Gon, The world's youngest master hunter!"

A new day, a new dazzling performance. The rainbow lights are shining, the place is full to bursting with happy crowds and the lions, street peddlers and musicians can all go to hell. Hisoka can steal every part of him away but this performance will always be his time to shine.

He's already prepared when the spotlight flashes to him, standing on the side of the arena with a confident ear to ear grin. Fishing pole on his back, a plastic knife in a holster on his right side that he's never used, 'aesthetic' Hisoka said, and his embarrassingly tight outfit that the women behind him can't stop commenting on and makes it pretty clear that Hisoka is deriving some enjoyment out of all this too.

Near center stage, the caged up foxbear is set up by the clowns. Another spotlight comes down on it as well, it's fur is matting, bubbly drool drips down the chin, eyes are something wild, the cage is littered with claw marks. He lets out a fierce shout, something coming from the very depths of his belly and the crowd gasps.

The muttering never ends, 'is this okay', 'is this legal', 'how old is he, I'm worried'. A crowd member shouts for him to be careful and he flashes a tiny smile, giving the crowd a thumbs up. The poor thing isn't even rabid, its just hungry. The cage door lifts and its time once again for him to dive into the fray. He jumps to the ground and strides towards the center of the arena. The whole arena goes silent, only to scream in terror and fervor when the foxbear gallops out at full speed.

He pauses, furrows his eyebrows, pouts his lips together, tries to make it look at if he needs to try. This is all a bit too easy at this point, hell, with how exhausted the thing looks he could kill it with his bare hands if he wanted to but you have to make it look good for the crowd...

An arm's length away is all he has to jump up and grab a loose piece of skin to throw himself up into the air and onto its back. The foxbear shakes wild, its not feigned resistance and he has to grab all the right places to calm the creature down, though its more in pain then anything else. Gon pulls a patch of hair behind the right ear and guides him into a trot around the edges of the enclosure. The applause ascends and he stands, takes a bow and the cheers rise louder, not many know the ride is deceptively smooth if you know where to stand. But he knows, that's why he's so damned good at it.

He rides the foxbear to the cage, where he dismounts and pets it, feeding it a small treat - its the most the poor thing will get fed for quite some time. The animal comes to kneel, lick at his knees and feet and he rewards it with a soft petting over all those sore spots he made moments before. Some members of the audience let out a typical 'aww' at the sight of the tamed beast doing what it should be doing. He guides it back to the cage as the spotlight drifts away and gets into position, a few feet in front of where Hisoka stands, next the the bowl.

This is the worst part of the performance.

"As you can see, our dear boy can master the ferocity of the foxbear, but I'm sure you're thinking 'can he handle the salaciousness of the snake?!'" Hisoka points above, where at least five colorful snakes have made their temporary homes on the thin strings. That's a new one, someone usually just dumps them down in a huge bucket. The crowd 'oos' and 'ahs', still yet he can hear the objecting call, the doubts and fears of their patrons. That will end soon, in time.

The lines shake and the snakes drop down, one after the other, he catches them all on his shoulders and they wrap around him at once without hesitation. One wraps twice around his neck, he can feel his own pulse raise. The scales stick to his skin and his skin crawls in turn- this, is what its like being in Hisoka's line of sight. The crowd shrieks, they can't tell they're not poisonous and trained to not bite and, even more so, he's got the antidotes in case one of them turns out otherwise.

He handles them all easily, petting them in a v shape, starting from the tip of their snouts to the back of their heads. They calm and he guides them into the bowl, occasionally petting one back down, never raising his hand against them. The crowd watches in awe until he turns and gives the thumbs up again, then they give him a stunned applause. It's all simple animal control, in the end.

"Ah yes, even the snake too, comes to be charmed by the master hunter, but ladies and gentleman, we have a special treat for you tonight. For our final night in town, Gon, do not be lax in the presence of the lion!" Hisoka manages to both bow and point towards the opposite side of the arena, where a lion led by two struggling clowns enters the arena.

That's right, he almost forgot it was closing night.

It comes striding out with its teeth bared, mane alight with pride. Gon lowers his head in respect for the creature as the crowd chants his name, all signs of doubt either droned out or removed. His body drops to the ground and he stays low. This is the one act that is, honestly, dangerous. He walks slow towards the lion, the chants fall and fall until they're faded and all that's left is him and the predator.

There's a moment when the two lock eyes and there's an understanding, something going beyond mere hunter and prey but an honest moment of understanding. It roars, with all the strength its lungs could have, trapped in a cage and fed only the bare minimum. It's enough for the crowd - and then he dashes. The lion meets him head on and he slides underneath, he wins again.

He lifts the beast far over his head. Aside from the fact that the thing is damn near bone skinny, there's no tricks or fudging here, all of its pure skill - what little skill it takes to raise a starving lion over ones head anyway. He sets the creature down non to gently and puffs out his chest to the crowd to their screaming applause. He takes one last deep bow to the delight of the crowd, for the first time in not a long time flowers are thrown which he personally collects with a blown kiss to the crowd. Can't ignore the fans, after all.

"And that ladies and gentleman is the skill of a master hunter and with that, we leave you, good morning, good afternoon and good night!" Hisoka disappears in a puff of purple vapour and he walks away while the crowd cheers for an encore they'll never get.

The crowds dispersed into the night. Now came the time for bouncing his giant colorful ball out the empty lot, watching the clowns tear off their rainbow wigs and walk away for their smoke breaks and veering clear of the the spare hands while they clean the shit stained lion's cages. He didn't let the glowing joy and wackiness of the circus blind him to what kept the magic going.

He did, when he was nine and full of bright lights and stupid jokes, perfectly fine with his own ridiculous outfit of forest green booty shorts and cross laced up high boots that made him stand out from the rest of the performers. The strings of soft lights overhead, the cheering of the crowds and the repetitive drone of happy music made him feel so safe and at home. Walking out of the ring after a killer performance, covered in his own sweat and dirt to smell sugar covered funnel cakes and fried foods.

The Ringmaster would look down his nose at him with all the disdain of those 'jerk adults' make him feel so upset, so annoyed and tiny in this huge circus. He'd run off to go sulk or be sad on his own and like clockwork there Hisoka would be, with a wide cheshire grin and treats to flatter him with attention and compliments.

But he wasn't nine anymore, he long moved past that stage of having eyes too big for his face and into having to grow into his own underdeveloped body. Now his life was getting used to awkward long limbs and bumping his head on doorways. He knew it was wrong now, when Hisoka would find him and grab him in places he no longer felt clean no matter how hard he scrubbed.

He doesn't know when Hisoka stopped being the fun, edgy, cool adult that would give him candies when the other adults wouldn't, take him out for ice creams, spoil him rotten. One day he just started being the source of most of his terror in the time spent here. The first day he noticed the hint of flame, of darker, more intent decision in Hisoka's eyes wasn't any different then the last. When he would run up to meet the clown leader now he did his best avoid him, as best he could and, worse, it was becoming obvious.

He could only dodge the man for so long, but the moment he saw Hisoka he decided, that 'so long' could continue for a little while and left the stadium in favor of the empty lot, filled with flattened popcorn boxes and party favors. He headed towards the back of the empty lot, that's where their trailers were. His was wide and meant only for him where all the others, save the Ringleader and Hisoka, shared theirs with friends. It was tucked away a few feet away from Hisoka's, nothing he could do about that, thankfully he earned the right to lock the door.

Really, it was less 'earned' and more 'just assumed he could do that now' and if Hisoka figured out he was using that 'right' to avoid all non-public contact with him he didn't do anything about it. Hell, Gon wouldn't complain. Hisoka wasn't bothering him.

He approached his trailer, and there stood a blonde young man with wide silvery eyes, looking around. Must've been a tourist, all he had to do was tell the guy that they were packing up and leaving town tomorrow. The guy must've noticed him, because he made a light jog towards him and, wow he was skinny.

"Ah, Gon right? I saw your performance, not bad but, ah I'm sorry I'm new here, my manners have slipped - my name's Kurapika." He presented his hand without another word, and ugh- that hair and those eyes. He must get girls crawling all over him twenty four seven.

"Nice to meet ya." Gon took it, gave him a nice hearty shake. He seemed nice enough, had that charming princely smile and the typical 'proper kid' air about him. Which would be the last type of person he's expect to be here, of all places, slumming around with a bunch of circus freaks. "So, what exactly...do you do here?" Snake charmer, girl wooer, perhaps 'stereotypical attractive smart kid'.

"I'm going to be one of your new acrobats." Everything blew out of the water at once, this guy at least two heads shorter then him with not a visible sign of muscle was going to be in their circus.

"Oh, alright then." He didn't have much to say about that, except 'what the hell, this came out of nowhere' but that would be rude, wouldn't it?

"What's the matter?"

"I thought the clowns were the only ones who did the flipping around and stuff, is all?"

Kurapika just laughed and shook his head. "Ah, no. Those trapeze ropes at the top of your tent? Those are for me, I'm an _aerial_ acrobat."


	2. Same Old, Some New

Felt like they just got here and the big tent is already loaded back into the trucks, the trailers are back on their wheels and they're back on the road again, waving goodbye to the city that treated them so well and heading to their next gig.

He's sitting on one side of his trailer, watching the buildings and people go by when Hisoka himself comes out, flipping out of his massive, card symbol decorated trailer and onto its roof. Walking to the front of the trailer and clapping his hands together for the new wave of cheers from the crowd, from his palms come hundreds of playing cards, all of them jokers with his sigil on them. The crowd cheers, scrambling to gather the cards for whatever reason, they're all worthless pieces of reinforced paper. Absolutely worthless in the long run and even more worthless given he does this with every town.

He slumps in his seat to make sure he isn't seen by the clown until the towns and buildings are out of view. They are and they enter the main road, a long line of trucks, trailers and buses all headed to the next destination. They go through two tunnels and a half hour passes, he risks it and peeks up to see Hisoka's long trailer, free of any Hisoka.

A knock at his window, though, reveals the clown is hanging off the side of his home with an ear to ear grin that sets off every 'keep away' instinct in his blood. "I know you're hiding from me Gon~" He sings delightfully and disappears above the trailer. Gon sinks to the floor besides the couch and slams his hands over his ears. Hisoka has nothing more to say but just in case he will not suffer through hearing it.

He lies down on the floor for all the early morning ot the midday, letting his head wander. Hisoka knows he's hiding now, he knows. How long until he gets tired of it does something about it- no, he can't be waiting to be molested. At least there's a new kid around right, he can meet up with him again, he seemed nicer than most. Perhaps he can finally find a friend after all Hisoka's successful efforts to tear him away from others.

Four o clock comes around and the driver wakes him up. The circus is at last in a new destination and everyone is outside, Hisoka and Kurapika included. He steels himself at the door; his rank in the troupe as a main act means he doesn't have to do any heavy lifting, the Ringleader ordered so. He presses his head to the door, hopes nothing happens and opens it wide. No one's in costume, there's no 'clowns' carrying ladders back and forth or animals storming the city. Everyone with the exception of Hisoka and the Ringleader, are in plain clothes getting the staffs and sticks up, setting up the counters and the stalls, the enticing lights and sound machines.

He leaves the trailer and, ah damn it all here come the clowns. There's no place to escape to, as Leroute and her trope come sauntering along. None of them inspire any amount of emotion in him except for Johness, the man's as big as two of man combined plus fifty pounds of pure muscle. Probably why he's 'the Strongman'.

"Well, looky here, Gon we haven't seen you in a minute." Leroute says. If there was a way to condense every obnoxious sound and note into one voice, she was blessed with a way to condense and speak noises the human ear shouldn't be forced to suffer. "You have fun last night playing with the animals?"

"Leroute, if its about the heavy lifting I can do it." He walks towards Leroute but Johness steps between them. He begins to back off, but Johness grabs his front shirt. Threatening Leroute with Johness around, not one of his better ideas. The shirt is curled around his massive fist only once and he can't breathe - he keeps them in decent shape but his old clothes are too tight.

"Johness, put him down or you're going to have a hole in your chest the size of your fist." A white haired boy stands to the side of Johness, skateboard tucked under his arm. The human giant lowers him and then relinquishes his shirt and he collapses to the ground, rubbing his neck. Johness turns to face the new kid, who seems even younger then he is with his bleached white tee and short jeans.

"And, who would you be?" Leroute's smile is vomit inducing but with Johness looming above all of them, there isn't much he can do.

"I'm the new Enforcer around here, The Ringleader put me here to make sure you all do your work and don't fuck with the other members."

"I'm a big enough deal that The Ringleader would come over him to tell me."

"No you aren't. You're hardly a big enough deal to justify me telling you." Killua shrugs. "Lerot, right? Sure, you could keep doing what you're doing and maybe your bodyguard here could stop me from kicking your ass but are you honestly going to take the risk of angering Illumi?"

Illumi, The Ringleader, that would be what stops Leroute. The two make half-assed apologies and hit the road, saying something about finishing this off later like they always do when he can manage to get rid of them, so nothing new under the sun. He dusts the dirt off his outfit and gets up. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it." Gon's about to ask for his name but the white haired guy turns and walks away without a word and disappears in the crowd when Gon tries to look for him. Between this new guy and Kurapika, tons of new people are joining the circus this week.

He isn't allowed to do any heavy lifting. The Ringleader doesn't want to risk his prized lion tamer, but he still does what he can and what he can do is bring random members water while searching for Kurapika.

He enters the bright red and yellow tent, where the main act is set and all the more specialized performers have already begun practicing. The clowns have dressed up and have begun setting up their tricks, pulling out various toys of different shapes and sizes. A girl with teal hair jumps from a dive board twenty feet above a massive man in a yellow shirt, landing on his wide belly to bounce right back up when she began and repeats when her partner gives the okay.

Above, a white knitted net is tightly pulled between two thick, wooden poles stretching from the ground to the ceiling. At the top he can see Kurapika dressed in all white, loose clothing swinging tens of feet above the ground. He sits on the ground and watches, only checking to make sure he doesn't drool. Kurapika's movements are beyond smooth, natural and practiced, its as if there's no fear in being tens of feet above the ground. He swings through the air, body bending slow, not resisting the air, then leans forward and flips to the next bar.

He can sense it, the same thing with the foxbear and the lion, that total and complete trust in your ability to control the situation. Kurapika leaps from trapeze to a platform attached to one of the poles and leans against the pole. His eyebrows are pressed together, lips tight, what's he so upset about, he looked fantastic!

"Kurapika!" Gon shouts from the ground and waves. Kurapika waves back and descends a few rungs down from one platform, to a lower one.

"Gon, I didn't see you there." Kurapika signals for him to come and he climbs the wooden indents in the pole to the platform about fifteen feet off the ground, next to Kurapika. From here he can see the interwoven net, the multitudes of soft shell white bars hanging from near the top of the tent and each and every performer practicing their individual stunts.

"I figured it would be better for you to come up here, that's not breaking any rules right?"

"No." True enough, its not, but he isn't sure he's allowed to do what he's been thinking about since he first heard Kurapika was an aerial acrobat; is it okay for him to trapeze, with Kurapika? Would it be rude to ask since they just met, since if it isn't allowed he could get in trouble.

"Gon, do you want to try?" Kurapika offers the bar to him, as if he'd say no - wait, shit...if something happens, he'll have to deal with Hisoka staring him down like a piece of meat. He brings his hand down.

Was he even breaking a rule here, with his four years with the circus he never found anything interesting and from what he heard the last acrobat they had got a promotion and stopped doing acrobat work. He couldn't see himself getting away with it if he got injured, he would have to take that to Leorio and Illumi made damn well that the doctor, no matter how angry the guy got, told him about every injury, nick, cut, scrape and fever.

On the other hand, could he get away with it if he was be careful...

"I guess...not?"

Gon gives Kurapika his widest smile. "You couldn't stop me if you tried."

"I never said no, in fact I'm quite interested to see how you do, fair warning; I've been told I'm a boring teacher so, let me know if I'm putting you to sleep." Kurapika smiles. Learning to fly and flip like Kurapika would be beyond awesome and fuck everything if he's letting creepy the clown stop him. Kurapika smiles and shrugs, getting one of the longer bars from the rack and setting up.

Kurapika's next to him, showing him how to hold onto the bar. "Shoulders back, relax and ease. Don't be tense, if you tense up you'll lock up and fall. As long as your hands are on the bar, you'll be safe."

In no time they're soaring across the sky as if he's been doing this for years. Kurapika's instructions are hard to keep up with, every drop of sweat and inch of movement matters when the only thing protecting you from harm is a metal bar and some cable. Certain movements make it harder to grip the bar, shifting your hips too quickly can make the swing jut or stutter, speed control, body straightness, full body movement, the list goes on and on. By the time they've taken a full break they haven't done any of the crazy leaps or jumps Kurapika was doing and his head is already spinning!

"Geez, my shoulders and stomach are on fire." Gon stretches the burn out, nothing on his body's been inflamed this bad since the last time he was bitten by a poisonous snake. Three, maybe four months ago?

"Mines too, its because you've been stretching and using muscles you haven't used in so long." Kurapika watches him intently but doesn't join in, he's probably stretching wrong and Kurapika's not because this might as well be a warmup to him. Kurapika grabs his shoulder, in a hearty, brotherly way. "Ready to quit?"

"Nope!" Why ask when he's having this much fun. The wind rushing through his hair with Kurapika instructing him as they fly together like two clumsy birds that can only go back and forth in one direction. Terrifying and joyous at the same time, his pulse pounds like war drums in his ear when they swing out again. The tightness of his own clothes is restrictive, he can't get the full strength in his swing and as they come down from a particularly high swing his shoulders shake, he can't summon the strength to stay up any more.

"Let go-!" Kurapika shouts and he releases the bar mid swing, tumbles through the air. This isn't happening, this isn't happening, he'll open his eyes, it'll be morning, Hisoka will be there staring at him like a piece of meat and everything will be fine.

Kurapika shouts his name. He doesn't want to open his eyes, his heart's in his throat, there's a wetness on his cheeks and everything aches. "Gon, open your eyes, you're fine, calm down." Kurapika's hand is stroking his side but for some reason he can't move and lies there shaking, a baby green sobbing ball in the center of a massive net. this is pathetic, just seconds ago he was perfectly fine and now he was here.

"Gon, you locked up, what happened?"

"I'm sorry, Kurapika, I don't know what happened." He checks the nearby surroundings for other people. If there's no one, he isn't moving from this spot until Kurapika is gone, he'll make some bull up that he wants to watch a little more to learn that way and that Kurapika can leave if he wants. If there is someone, he's sticking to them like glue until he can make a clean get away. Kurapika grips his shoulder and tells him its alright, it isn't, but he doesn't say that.

"No, don't apologize. That's what the safety net is there for, you did better then I'd hoped." Kurapika's smile is genuine enough, though he does want to apologize a few more times to make sure. That's probably the wrong way to look at forgiveness but, at the same time, he doesn't want Kurapika's to harbor any ill will or thought that he's done this all on purpose. "We can chalk it down to fatigue, you did openly complain about your exhaustion and I didn't do much to stop you, I apologize."

"Oh, no you, you didn't do anything wrong." Now he just feels guilty, Kurapika worrying about him and apologizing when he's the one at fault, he shouldn't be up here - he's a lion tamer, this is Kurapika's thing.

"You two have fun?" He looks down and there's the white haired guy from earlier, he only came here to find Kurapika. Kind of cool how he got them both in the same space.

"Yeah, what's up?" Gon yells.

"I need you to come down here, its important."

"Alright!" Gon turns to Kurapika. "Thank you, this was fun."

"Yeah, let's do it again sometime." Kurapika helps him get up ands get situated. All the holes and thin strings makes standing on this net is hard as hell.

"Hopefully! See you around?"

"For the most part? Just look up." Kurapika laughs, its not funny, he swears it isn't but its such a lame joke that he lets Kurapika have it.

He gets down to the ground and the white haired kid pulls a face and points to his wrist. "I'm coming, I'm coming." When he gets within arm's length the man snatches his wrist and he instinctively pulls away. The grip tightens and he's forced out of the tent and onto the dirt ground outside.

"You are in a lot of trouble."

Of course this would happen, what was he thinking going up there without the Ringleader or Hisoka's approval. Even if he was avoiding the latter, the former was only weird, never outright pedophilic. Now he's sobbed like a little baby in front of Kurapika who is thinking right now of the best way to get rid of him and he's going to have to deal with Hisoka privately.

"You didn't have to grab me, I'm not trying to escape a prison."

"Really? I thought I was being gentle." The guy shrugs and doesn't seem to care past that. Well...he met Kurapika, so he eventually had to meet another asshole to balance it all out, right? "Follow me, Hisoka wants to speak with you in his tent."

Damn it, he fucked up big time then and wished he fucked up more. He could take skipping a level and fucking up even bigger, like killing one of the special animals, to get a meeting with Illumi instead but being sent to Hisoka. It only happened once before, and it wasn't really his fault, and all that happened was Illumi vaguely threatened to fire him if he thought any funny business happened.

Getting sent to Hisoka...means he messed up but not enough to justify getting kicked out of the circus. "Is Kurapika in trouble?"

"Dunno yet."

"Could you find out for me, I didn't mean to get him in trouble. I only just met him."

"So, probably not then." He shrugs again.

Gon didn't think he was the best judge of character, but this guy was a whole new level of 'unreadable'. He was so unconcerned with everything, the world could explode and this guy would probably still be searching for a fuck to give.

Oh, well at least Kurapika didn't seem to get into anything because of him.

"If it helps, could you tell Illumi that I won't get on the tight rope again?"

"It won't, but sure."

"I know I'm asking a lot of questions and I'm a little annoying-"

"You got that right."

"-But I was wondering if I could get your name."

The white haired kid turns around and for the first time there's something other then that bored drawl on his face, something mischievous and gleeful. "Nope." He walks backwards for a few feet and continues on in silence. Gon keeps following him, until the tent is at least thirty feet away and Hisoka's temporary tent, a huge blob of rainbow colors, comes into view. In front of the entrance stands the man of the hour, Hisoka, with a delighted grin on his face that brings a shiver through his spine.

Hisoka sees them, smiles a little wider, wiggles his fingers at Gon and ducks inside. Oh, what joy, what new, wondrous, embarrassing and downright revolting thing will Hisoka have of him today. Perhaps he'll squeeze his ass and stare at him uncomfortably, perhaps Gon will finally get the bravery and strength to beat the ever loving shit out of him. Oh the wonders that could await him in Hisoka's tent.

"If you were to ask me, you shouldn't be allowed out. You're too precious of an asset to risk something stupid happening to you. To be honest, I don't know why you bother doing any thing else if all you have to do is one show, trapeze is obnoxious."

Gon's lips go tight. Everything this guy hears is going straight to Illumi, no doubt about that, so what's the limit on what he can and can't say. He and Illumi sure as hell aren't close, he doubts anyone besides Hisoka is close to Illumi. "I mean, lions and snakes are cool and everything but let the stupid blonde fairy boy do the flying and flipping, right?"

He can't hold himself, he grabs the other guy's shoulders and whirls him around. The man seems, shocked first and intrigued second. "First off, trapeze is amazing - you get to fly through the sky and do flips, how could that be obnoxious? That's so cool, and Kurapika is a fantastic teacher, I learned more playing around on the bars with him then-"

"How cute." The guy says and crosses his arms with all the smug, smirking satisfaction of a guy who meant to get this sort of rise out of him, whatever, hes dealt with hecklers before. Gon says nothing more, only crosses his arms and passes by the guy, fuck him - whoever the hell he is.

"Oh, one more thing. Illumi says if I find you on the trapeze again I have permission to tear you a new one."

That explains who saw him, the new Enforcer of the troupe, Illumi's personal secondary eyes and ears.

"Whatever."

"I'm serious."

"Bite me."

The guy stands there for a moment as if he's actually considering it, the creep, before grinning ear to ear and taking off. What a fucking creep.

Hisoka's tent is as flamboyant and extravagant as the weirdo inside. Lamps light the whole place, thin sticks of incense burn across spreading their sweet, savory smell and the tent itself is a deep purple with shaded orange textures of lace and animal patterns on the inside. More like a blanket then a tent, more like something one would walk into a brothel and rest on. Hisoka is draping himself over the edge of a royal purple and orange love seat, vaguely bored.

"Gon~ You've been avoiding me as of late, I got so worried." Hisoka puts his hand over his heart and feigns sickness. Gon swallows the bile in his throat and takes his place on the purple carpet that takes up half the floor. Hisoka can give him all the pleasantries he wants, they both know why he's here. "Well, then, ignoring that dangerous aura you're giving off, it seems you've met Killua?"

If he gains nothing good from this, he'll at least know that devil child looking guys name. Killua, that must be a nickname, its stupid as hell. Almost as stupid as Hisoka trying to be domestic with him, talking about his day and who he's met. "Yeah, he's an asshole."

"Oh, most certainly, but he's keeping an eye on everyone for the sake of safety. " Was that Illumi's way of saying, 'weeding out the stubborn ones I don't have the time to take on myself', or was Hisoka being nice for him. Whatever the case Gon flashes an uneven grin and agrees, Hisoka's a creepy prick but he isn't wrong. "Now, then. Let's get to why you're here." Hisoka gets up and pushes a person height spinning mirror towards Gon, the first good head to toe look at himself he's gotten in forever and wow, those shorts are even tighter and shorter then he thought.

His face shouldn't feel as hot as it is when he reaches down and pulls at the back hem to cover himself. Wow he was walking around like this forever, ass basically hanging out of his pants. He _performed_ in this outfit why didn't anyone tell him he looked like an under-aged hooker.

"Good to know you're at least that self conscious, as much as I love how your legs and the bottom of your ass look in that, Illumi said you look indecent. I don't agree, but you know how emotional Illumi can get~" Hisoka sings and walks to one of the shadier corners of his tent, pulling three full racks of clothing out of thin air. Those were probably there beforehand, probably. "Now then, you'll need new pants. Pick something out from here, unless you have something specific in mind?"

Gon shakes his head and keeps two full arm lengths away from Hisoka while he searches. Nothing screams 'forest' or 'hunter' to him...until he finds the perfect pair. No reason to fix what isn't broke, he exchanges his all too short shorts for a long pair ending just above the knee. He doesn't enjoy showing off his legs but when working with huge animals its best not to have too much loose fabric and as much leg room as possible.

Hisoka looks at him...he looks at Hisoka...and then pushes the clothing rack entirely in front of him. "Don't, move." He grunts, yanking the shorts off his form and running his fingers over the sensitive indents it left in his skin. Not darting gold eyes between the outfits or under the skirts, he's fine for now. He pulls the pants up his waist, a little tight but otherwise a perfect fit.

Hisoka had the bright eyed gleam of a child unwrapping a present, for a second, then Gon pointed to his pants and he frowns. "How boring~ can't you add some color? I'm going to miss these, they also rode up so cute, mind if I keep them?" Hisoka spins his shorts on one finger and Gon sends him a pointed, bored glare - he knew the man was planning some creepy, absurd shit.

"If I say no are you really going to throw them away."

"And you say we're not friends~" Hisoka's over the moon and keeps them close to his chest, its a good thing he's hungry as hell and hasn't eaten today; it'd be all over the ground by now.

"If that's all, I'm leaving." Gon makes his way towards the door.

Hisoka walks after him and every hair on the back of his neck stands on edge; what the hell else could he possibly want? Hisoka strides past him and there's a golden flash of eyes that tell enough, that he's basically waiting for his next chance to get a piece of Gon. Then he lounges again on his love seat, leaning against the furthermost arm. "Before you go, I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but don't let Killua catch you on the trapeze again. Sure Illumi's no fun but Killua is his little brother, so you're not getting any revenge on anyone without a price paid."

"I'm not going out to get revenge on anyone."

Hisoka only smiles and closes his eyes, he doubts the creepy bastard's sleeping but he takes the chance to get the hell out, at least now between Hisoka and the new guy, he won't need the trapeze; have plenty of excitement trying to dodge them both.


	3. A Careless Fall

Gon isn't allowed up there and he isn't about to stress test how much he can break the rules, but he can watch from the sidelines while Kurapika does more intense, focused practice with another acrobat. There are things they do that Gon wouldn't dream of trying, the double flips, triple flips, using each other's bodies to swing and hanging from the trapeze by their bent legs. He can see why people enjoy watching this with their hearts in their mouths, hell there's a safety net there that he knows is safe and he's still leaning on worried.

Maybe it's a little quick, but he's prepared them both lunch - does Kurapika like sandwiches even and where's the guy from, was he from the last town and available so they hired him on as an acrobat or did he meet up with them here or along the way? He's the first real, nice, polite, friendly face he's met and is around his age and all of a sudden he's latching onto him like they're life long friends.

It's best if he just got his stuff and left, Kurapika must feel so on the spot which might be why he's making no mistakes and hasn't fallen yet. Gon collects his stuff, snack boxes and all, into his pack and thinks of a way to apologize without being too informal.

"Gon, where you headed?" Kurapika is already climbing down to meet him and hops the last couple feet. He can't just run away now, that's too awkward, there needs to be a talk so there's a clean break and Kurapika doesn't have to feel bad or anything.

"Oh, hey, I saw you were busy at practice and, um-I'm really sorry about everything, this must be weird." He motions to his pack and himself, geez he must seem so done up with different pants and his bag and everything. "I was just leaving."

"Why, I thought we were having fun. I mean I won't hold you up if you have to go-"

"No, no it's just I don't want to burden you any more then I already have."

For the first time, Kurapika frowns. "Did that weird white haired kid say anything to you?" He said or did the wrong thing then, Kurapika doesn't realize now is his chance to get out scot free from whatever they were or were becoming.

"No, it's just I've been selfish and assuming in all of this, I mean here I am doting on you, taking up all your time, you probably have tons of other friends who you need to go see and everything." Gon chirps and shrugs. Kurapika raises a hand to his mouth and lowers his eyes, says nothing for so long it hurts. Looks like he called this one right, he isn't wanted in Kurapika's world. "So, I'll get my stuff and I'll go. It must be so embarrassing-"

"You, you over think a lot." Kurapika's hand moves to show a smile and Gon doesn't know how to process that, is he being made fun of or is Kurapika finding the whole situation funny. "You're not a burden, you know, you're honestly a nice person to be around and I was hoping you'd come back to play on the trapeze more. I spent most of my time wondering when you'd get back."

"I-I'm forbidden, the Ringleader says so."

"Aw, well. But Gon, don't worry, if I don't want you around, I'll tell you." Kurapika puts a hand on his shoulder and Gon can feel his face go flush which is stupid because Kurapika's nice and all but he shouldn't be so happy because someone's decided to pay a little bit of attention to him. Wouldn't anyone wonder if someone would come back when they were called, it was just polite, natural instinct.

"Okay, okay." Gon takes a deep breath hand calms down, taking his pack off his shoulder and opening it up to show the large banquet of food; four sandwiches with lettuce and tomato, mayo and mustard packets, two plastic bowls of fresh melon and grapes, and two thermos that were packed on either side of the bag.

"Gon, you made me lunch and," Kurapika laughs, geez did he do that badly with the food, it looked okay to him. "Sweet, precious thing." Wait, what?

"Um, ah- yeah that one's ham and this one's turkey, I didn't know which one you'd like so I made two." Act natural, pretend you didn't hear that and it'll go away and you won't have to deal with it because then you'll just act weird and end up chasing him away. "Mustard and mayo, sorry there wasn't enough space left over for me to pack in pickles and other sauces-"

"Heh, nice."

He and Kurapika spend the entire rest of the day and even into the afternoon, chatting about his past and Kurapika's nothing like he thought. He's a young, eighteen year old native of a dying tribe, learned how to trapeze in his spare time swinging on trees, now he's traveling around trying to find the rest of his family and find out why they're so scattered in the first place. Which is both fucking awesome and downright weird, it's one thing to look like he should be the strapping main character of some mythical quest, its another entirely to actually be one.

They've long since finished lunch and moved on to relaxing in one of the private, less used trailers in the back, where the performers prepare. Sitting in the room with the faded orange lights, where the clowns keep their makeup, props and costumes and the spare equipment like show lights and deflated rainbow colored balls.

"We're having our first performance in this town tomorrow, I'm performing right after you." Kurapika's sitting upright on the wide bench in front of a massive mirror that stretches from one side of the trailer to the other. Gon's lying besides, face towards the front window of the trailer watching the stars appear in the sky.

"Sounds cool, was that the routine you were practicing earlier?"

"Yeah." Kurapika breathes a little deeper, rubbing his hands together and staring at a long clothes line of colorful, puffy costumes.

"Cool, since you're going right after me I'll have time to come see you. There'll be an intermission, probably." Gon nudges him, shoulder to shoulder and he doesn't respond. Gon nudges him again and Kurapika's eyes twitch.

"I'm not sure if there'll be a net."

First performance with no backup, that is worrying, it sounds like how he started with the snakes - he didn't have to do the lion afterwards, but learned the hard way to keep anti venom in his back pocket and out of view for a worst case scenario. Took him a while to get back into the swing of things, both physically and mentally, having to recuperate from the shock, he nearly got fired from the circus after that...

But to be up there, tens of feet in the air with the spotlight bearing on you while everyone watches with baited breath, that's a whole other can of worms and he sure as hell doesn't envy him. And no net? He liked trapezing but you couldn't pay him enough gold bars to be up there, no, no way. Kurapika...can do it- no, he's definitely going to do it, there's no doubt in Gon's mind that he's got the entire thing totally handled.

Gon takes Kurapika's hand and smiles with him, "Breathe, I've seen you perform; you'll do fine, better then fine. You'll be great, people will come to the show to see you. I know it."

Kurapika smiles back at him, then pulls his hands away and cups his face with his palms. Ah, here we go, here's when he starts regretting everything. "I don't know about that, but thank you."

"Yeah, besides if anything happens Leorio can patch you up and the circus will be a`okay with everything. Or you can ask Illumi to let you have the net, he'd rather you be safe then hurt."

"Sounds nice."

"It's pragmatic, trust me, its purely pragmatic." Gon says automatically, a level of disgust and spite in his voice that's almost unbecoming of him.

"Ah," Gon can see where Kurapika catches the hint and begins to lean off the subject. "Gon, I'm curious, what's your story? How'd you get into the circus?"

Oh, here we go, straight into this minefield again. Kurapika had good intentions but he might as well have kept bringing up Illumi. Where would he even begin with that story, really - Gon rubs over his face once, twice, can't come up with anything but an aching pang in his chest. He catches himself sitting up on the bench, feet kicking the ground with one hand pressed to his temple and biting his own lip.

"If it helps you feel any better, you don't have to answer that."

Yeah...yeah no he'll take Kurapika up on that offer. "Thanks."

"No problem."

The following silence is enough of a tell that he's been the one driving most of the conversation, now he doesn't want to talk because, frankly, fuck everything now. He leans against the bench and his whole body shifts into a heavy heave, Kurapika doesn't say anything but he rubs his shoulder and gets up, walking out of the tent. Looks like that's the end of that...

He drifts back into his trailer and its awful, his nose is all stuffy and he's sobbing and mumbling things to himself but he promised himself he wouldn't be like this, he could get over it - he's stronger now. He can do this, right? He gets himself into his sleeping clothes, a black tank top and some short jeans and makes himself some hot chocolate despite it being the middle of summer. He's not six anymore, damn it. He shouldn't be sobbing into his hot chocolate like a baby...but he spends the rest of the midday and into the night sobbing into his palms until he drifts off to sleep.

When he wakes up, and he sure as hell doesn't want to but he has a performance sometime today and he has to go, he's groggy and has to wipe the yellow sticky fluid out of his eyes, wash his face in the tiny bathroom in the back of the trailer and take a shower in the long trailer outside. You're fine, you're fine, keep it together, compose yourself now and you'll have all the time in the world to cry like a giant ass baby all you want afterwards.

He manages, lurks around his own trailer until he's almost disgusted by the sight of the thing and heads towards the tent and, looky here, here comes trouble, skateboard included. Killua gives him a once over, as if he's never seen someone dress down before, the douche.

"What is it?" He snaps, the guy's staring is making him too self conscious. Luckily, Killua shrugs and keeps going as if he hadn't been all but glaring at him for a full minute.

"Illumi sent me to tell you your performance will be the usual lion taming stuff, basics, nothing fancy until the third day and then nothing fancy until the day before we leave."

Gon gives him the briefest possible, 'okay' he can and walks right past him to rush to the tent. Killua, not getting the message, follows him. If it weren't for the fact that he was Illumi's brother, he'd kick him.

"I asked my brother, he said I should get over you, but then I asked Hisoka and he said I should follow you and ask about you." Killua shrugs his shoulders, "People are weird."

"Somehow you're both preaching to the choir and being a hypocrite." The tent's open and ready and he walks through, everyone's getting some last minute practicing, more then likely half these people have been up all night. It's not unusual for the more physical members to do overnight practice, sleep right before the performance, wake up and dash on stage, as much as Illumi hates that.

Killua sucks his teeth hard enough to wake the dead and swings the skateboard over his shoulder, too self satisfied with his attitude. "Now you sound like that weird flying blonde fairy kid-"

Right on cue, Kurapika jumps down the pole and all but runs to hug Gon. On instinct, he hugs back - he didn't think that Kurapika would go so far as to actually embrace him and, he can feel the angered eyes on him, but he accepts it.

Kurapika pulls away, still holding Gon's shoulder. "I'm sorry last night, I had a moment."

"We both had a moment, nothing too bad right?" Gon shrugs despite the overwhelming 'yes, it was too bad' tucked away in his voice that he wishes he could rid of.

"Ew." Killua all but shouts. Kurapika's head snaps up, there's a tightness in his lips, wow this may be the first time he's seen Kurapika honestly enraged.

"So." Kurapika says with a hint of bitter sweetness. "Who's your friend?"

"Not my friend."

"Killua." He declares with a level of monotone apathy that would make anyone think he wasn't being a little shit.

"...Interesting name." Kurapika's clearly having none of it and his half second glance of 'we need to get you the fuck away from here' is appreciated and reciprocated in kind.

"Sorry we can't all be named after Pokemon."

Kurapika blatantly ignores him and grabs Gon's hand - a little too intimate but at the same time, so long as Kurapika's getting them away from that asshole he can't quite find it in him to complain. Killua doesn't follow, thank god, and they get halfway through the tent. "Who exactly was that?"

"Same asshole who got me in trouble for being on the trapeze, he's been watching me, I think." Gon looks back and Killua is speaking with Hisoka, who seems all too pleased at the sight of the younger white haired man - please, please don't be plotting anything weird together.

"Ew."

"Are you going to practice before the show?"

"Ah- no. Too much practice and I get cramps, not good for flips."

"Makes sense-" Wait, while Killua and Hisoka are distracted maybe he can actually do something fun for once. He rushes ahead and grabs Kurapika's hand, geez he wonders if he'll actually like the surprise but at the same time, nothing ventured nothing gained. "I can't go on the trapeze, but you could probably come to my trailer or come see the animals!"

"Your trailer, definitely." Kurapika follows him back to the living area and into his trailer and- damn it. With fresh eyes, the place is a mess. Already worn clothing is spewing over the wardrobe, the place reeks of ramen noodles and canned vegetables, his pull out bed is pulled out and unmade. Kurapika doesn't seem to care, he rests on the bed - seemingly waiting for Gon.

Okay, play it cool, best friend sitting on the bed, just gonna have a nice talk, chat about some stuff, maybe pull out a few video games and let the world burn before the performance. He steps towards the bed...and he immediately trips on a pair of discarded jean shorts. Real smooth there.

After Kurapika catches his breath and stops laughing to help him up, he takes his place besides him and they talk about so many things, how their present lives are doing, Gon complaining about Hisoka's weirdness and the sweet reprieve he's had as of late.

"You think Killua has is out for me?" Kurapika asks him what he means and Gon rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling. "He reported me for being on the trapeze, he dragged me out of the tent and to a meeting, he was so rude when he met you and kept insulting you, called you a fairy. I mean, what a fucking asshole right?"

"Alright, that's enough Gon, I'm not going to force you to spend time with him but-"

"Oh, but what? There's no contest the guy's an asshole-"

"I'd take a moment to consider that your comparing someone who did their job to someone who molests you for fun."

Ah, well, geez, that's a damn good point. It was Killua's job to make sure he didn't do anything stupid and, as an added bonus, he's employed by his brother. Hisoka's an asshole, that's literally it - he has no reason to be so damn creepy.

"You can stay away from him, trust me I get it, he's a complete brat, but I'd rather not automatically hate him until I get to know him more." Kurapika shrugs and Gon feels a tiny bit guilty. He was right after all, Killua could be acting like a childish brat for no reason and, otherwise, he's just doing his job. If they missed the net, he could have gotten seriously hurt.

Not much is said after that, Kurapika only reminds Gon that they have to leave soon for the performance and they do, but this time Gon heads to the tent the long way, heading towards the back tent where the animals are kept and wasting time away before the show goes on.

The way is clear and he's coming this close to being late, but he makes sure to avoid running into Kurapika on his way to the stage. The animal trainers are all in place, the lions, snakes and the bunnies - ah damn it, he missed the fluffy bunnies - are ready, willing and waiting. All that waits is for the show to begin. The clowns do their segment, acting like the usual bunch of wacky fools, though this time its a different routine with Hisoka, jokingly angry, trying to get them all back in line, which works about as well as expected.

The show planners used the rabbits to gauge the crowd and always did either to lion or the crocodile to finish. The rabbits would probably go back to their own special place right after the show was done, his own fault really. He tried to keep one, didn't work out. Which is probably why Illumi has Killua following him in the first place. In any event, the lights are about to go live and he takes his place; the same starting show as three towns ago.

The lights come down and Hisoka is stood on the plinth in the center of the tent, all lights and eyes on him and his stature. Funny, for a while he was with Kurapika and, after they finished talking about him, he forgot Hisoka even existed. "Ladies and gentleman, such a frightful display of strength that was

Swinging a hoop on his arm and showing the crowd a smile while the rabbits hop through in formation, they're all as fluffy and cute as he remembers. He swings it wherever he can, between his legs, over his head with his knee bent so the rabbits can jump on him before jumping through. Playing with the bunnies is more of an autopilot, easy, relaxed show to get him and the crowd in the rhythm of things then anything.

Then comes, honestly, his favorite part. Three more bunnies come from the west along with one...a little...bigger then the others. A clown in a fluffy filled, near round bunny suit tries to hop through, Gon times it right and the clown lodges himself through the hole and rolls along with the rabbits. The crowd laughs loud for that one - they don't normally do this one often but

"Now, now, I do believe I told you to stop fooling around."

The clown beams, honks the horn on his nose and chases the rabbits about for the giggling crowd. Gon's work here is done. He disappears as the intermission begins and, pushing past whatever he might feel, searches for Kurapika. The costume tent yields nothing but half of the clowns, both literal and figurative, discussing where in town they can get dead drunk when they finally wash off the makeup.

The intermission is winding down, still no sight of him - until he actually takes Kurapika's joke as advice and looks up. He's preparing on the trapeze with another acrobat while the other half of the clowns distract the crowd by giving out toys and gifts.

He was way too late, it seemed and worse off, no net. Kurapika must be sweating bullets. He takes a seat towards backstage and watches from the sidelines, the audience can't but Gon can see Leorio on the standby and the heavier air - everyone's off kilter, which they should be. He doesn't remember seeing these performances when he was younger, but he does know from experience; they're dangerous as fuck.

The lights beam back, the show is back on, Hisoka stands on the plinth with one hand tucked behind his back. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a real treat for you tonight. For the first time in over a decade, the Phantom Trope would like to introduce you to their new trapeze team!"

They come swinging out and its everything Gon loved and feared; Kurapika is there in his pure white clothing, on the top left of a four person mounted swing of interconnected limbs and performing actor smiles. The winds blowing through his hair, he's almost like some type of sparkling prince soaring through the sky. Gon couldn't think of a time or a place where he'd feel comfortable doing any of this. The risks are too high for something to go terribly wrong.

The movement begins, the trapezers separate, leaping, soaring to different bars until they've formed a line. Seeing Kurapika flying with the others until he reaches the raised platform, the sheer straightness and sharpness in his movements, the control in every limb and practiced movement. Kurapika leaps onto his beginning platform, looking out on a line of trapezers, all hanging upside down with waiting arms.

Kurapika grabs his hands and flips to the next one, then to the next, Gon's heart is in his throat - and- Kurapika reaches out for the second to last one and-

He missed. That wasn't planned, Kurapika's diving towards the ground and Gon swallows down his heart, eyes dart from side to side, how can he help Kurapika. The crowd's let out a huge gasp, a wave of frightened screams, Leorio's gripping his bag, Gon's gripping the hem of his pants until he can feel his palms begin to ache, please, please don't get hurt. Kurapika's falling, falling- a trapeze with plumes of purple smoke dancing round it, snatches him out of the air.

Gon exhales, rubs a calming circle over his chest. Kurapika's alright. But that was a mistake and Illumi isn't going to take that sitting down. And the worst part is, even he can tell and he's godawful. There's a slight twitch in Hisoka's movements from the plinth. Come on, Kurapika, you're so much better then that.

Kurapika is swung to the second to last trapezer and finishes his routine without another hitch, coming into smooth movement on a front flip and uncurling in time for his feet to hit the opposite platform. The crowd erupts into applause and more acrobats appear, but its clear Kurapika's more 'in the spotlight' time with the others is done. Gon only hopes that Illumi doesn't hold his first mistake against him too harshly.

The acrobats flip away and the clowns take over the finishing act of the show with Hisoka leading them from above, always from above, never with the act and if he's with the act he's the only one there. Which is good because it leaves him with no good reason to stay and no reason to feel guilty about leaving.


	4. Taking a Trip (Extra)

Killua peeks through a tear in the tent, both to protect the blind spot between the vendors and the crowd and to get a free view. The show's going without a hitch as far as he can tell, he made sure people didn't fuck up between shows, directing the damn things was someone else's job. The clown's happy, the lights are blaring enough to give him a goddamn headache and the crowd sure as hell ain't helping but everyone's busy, now he can finally head to his own trailer and get some down time.

Ah, Gon comes twisting his cute little ass out with a brigade of bunnies. He might as well stay, at least until its time for the intermission. How cute, the little fuck up's playing with the rabbits. He's got such nice, smooth long legs, kicking them up in the air as he swings the hula hoop under them, nice and tone. Such a smile too, no idea why he wastes it on that pain in the ass blondy. Hard to watch him be so beaming and bright when he could have that mouth screaming his name for days.

Such a cutie, that he can hardly feel the eyes on his back until its too late and he can't hide. Illumi's there, nonplussed and having the sort of mona lisa smile that's a beacon for trouble.

"What are you doing?" Illumi looks at him with his head cocking to the side in feigned curiosity. Doesn't matter what he's doing, never matters what he's doing, Illumi's not going to be pleased.

"I was watching the show, plus I'm making sure no one sneaks out from the tent and tries to grab something from the vendor stalls out here, no one else is protecting them." That was a good, solid excuse right, enough to not have to do this tonight, at least enough to wait until after the show.

Illumi's response is all the same; "Come with me." Damn it, damn it he doesn't feel like doing this, he wants to keep on watching Gon and the bunnies. Illumi leads him back, towards his trailer and its hard to get a gauge on him, how thoroughly is Illumi going to fuck him here? Can't be too much, otherwise he can't watch over people tomorrow - be pretty hard to walk with an ass torn in two.

On the other hand, if his previous injuries, the broken fingers and bite marks included, are anything to go by Illumi thinks he's some type of unbreakable sex doll he can do anything with and still expect to work in the morning.

He enters the trailer and Illumi is quick as a snake, a foot slipping underneath his right one and he falls to his knees. Illumi grabs his hair and turns his face and...there's frankly no point in fighting this anymore, is there? This has happened so many times, if he's expected to keep on doing what he's doing and get abused like this he might as well not waste the time or passion.

His brother's dick is down his throat. The reality of that should be sickening to him but its more a vague, menacing horror he's learned to ignore; its happening to him right now and he's not even bothering to correct it, only because he just can't stop it. There's a strangely beautiful revaluation that visits him too, the sort of freedom not caring about the violation of his mouth, of his body, when he's tossed to the bed and Illumi's hands tear off his clothes. He doesn't have to fight this, he can lay here and send his head away and not have to deal with any of this.

So that's what he does, when Illumi finds a fresh spot in his red neck and bites into his collarbone. When Illumi shoves him onto his stomach and mounts the back of his knees and shoves himself inside without any ceremony or preparation. When Illumi's banging his head against the bed and he can almost feel the wet, stick heat dripping down his legs and almost bothers to wonder whether that's him breaking in some new, inventive place or Illumi having his second orgasm of the night.

He's not here, he's watching Gon be the adorable brat he normally is, petting bunnies and befriending the local wildlife or whatever painfully Disney princess thing he usually does. What would it be like, coming up to him and taking him, no talking, none of that obnoxious foreplay, just walking up to him and rocking his fucking world. How does he moan, what does he like - he probably likes it rough and fast, head shoved into the pillow, neck throttled while getting plowed, until his eyes are rolling back and his toes are curling and the bed is creaking so loud its the only thing they can hear besides Gon pleading for more.

Somewhere along the line Illumi calls it quits, there's no cock in his ass and he can breathe again. His entire body's on fire on all those points where Illumi hurt him, the bright red, burning teeth marks against his neck, the bruises littering his legs above the knee line. But he got to be someplace else, he didn't sob and try and pull away like normal, he spent the time floating away.

When he comes back to himself, as he often does, the sun's already risen and his body refuses to move the slightest hint with screaming pain, it's all down his thighs, muddying his head, soaked in sweat, blood and tears on the sheets. He sucks his tears back, apparently either the world blew up while he dozed off or Illumi discovered emotion. Though its limited to Illumi looming above him, staring down, intrigued and as dead in the face as ever.

"Were you tired? You didn't fight me half as much as you did before."


	5. Reservations

The rest of the cast and crew have resigned to their tents or trailers with a precious few sneaking out to get their smoke breaks ahead of the crowd. Under the red stage lights the back of the tent heats up, either thanks to the lights or the people rushing by in makeup and oversized outfits. Kurapika's on a low bench, face in his hands. If Killua or Illumi did anything to Kurapika, the man's got more than a show coming to him.

"Hey." He rests his hand on Kurapika's shoulder and gives it a good shake. The blonde doesn't flinch an inch.

"They didn't use the net."

"I noticed, you wanna talk about it?"

If a performer is going to perform, whether it's a stage play, a recording or a public performance, there needs to be a level of trust that everyone involved knows what they're doing. When that trust is breached, its difficult to focus, the performer and the performance get out of sync, all sorts of horrible things can happen. Who's to say that the director knows what he's doing, once he's already proven he doesn't care about the dangers presented?

"No, I was suspecting they wouldn't, it's just," Kurapika combs his hair back, his cheeks reddening to the ears with his lip pouting. "I practiced that routine so many times, in private, in front of Illumi, in front of Hisoka. Hisoka even cut the net while I performed it for him and I got it perfect, down to an art form. Then the moment its time to do it seriously, I'm a beginner again."

He's torn between Kurapika's adorable pouty act and feeling bad for him, he's so frustrated with himself its hard to believe he's the same calm, cool and collected guy that dealt with Killua earlier. "It's fine, I bet the crowd still loved it- think of it like a racing tournament. No one goes to watch cars going in a circle, they go to see a crash."

If there was one face he didn't think Kurapika could do it would be the 'shit eating grin'. He manages. "So the crowd wanted me to fail?"

"Ah- no, yes? I don't know, I'm not good at this!" Gon shrugs, he tried and that's what matters right? "I'm just saying, most definitely not the end of the world. By the end, the crowd was hollering anyway. You did fine, you'll be fine."

"How cute." Gon turns and Hisoka is there, because of course Hisoka is there why wouldn't he be, standing behind them with arms crossed and a hand raised over the bottom half of his face. His eyes are easy enough to read and all they're giving off is warning signs.

"I suppose you've come to discipline or punish me?"

"The fifth sentence we've shared and I'm already taking liking you." Hisoka's smile widens and his fingers dance along the thick tarp edges of the tent.

Kurapika props his feet up on a nearby chair and crosses his arms, flashing Hisoka a half-friendly, half-flirty smile. "I'm shocked you're counting, the hours seem to go by so slow until we next meet."

For the first time in forever Hisoka is visibly stunned, staring at Kurapika as if he's grown wings. Gon backs off a little, physically, from the two of them. Whatever the hell is going on here between these two he wants no part of it. Hisoka crosses his own arms, the smile on his face fading to something a tad more serious. "Congratulations, you've succeeded. On your first performance no less, the fall not withstanding."

"Despite the fall?"

"Of course, Illumi was so certain you would fail he didn't bother to put the net out."

Illumi would rather see them killed then hurt. It's disturbing, but for Illumi that's par for the course.

"I saw." Kurapika's sigh shakes through his body. Hisoka doesn't immediately respond, which is a shock; Maybe Hisoka's finally gotten as sick of the sound of his own voice as Gon has.

"So rude of him, at least he owes me now." The sad, puppy dog look he gives is obviously feigned.

"Why?"

"Because he bet you would fall, I bet you would get an applause."

"That's not what I meant." Kurapika's a bit more serious now and Gon's never felt more lost in his entire life; what the hell are they talking about?

Hisoka gives Kurapika the sort of look he's only seen on angry mothers, the clown reaches out and touches the top of Kurapika's head, right on top of his blonde hair. A tiny pin prick of pain confirms he's gripping the bench so hard that he's begun to get splinters. Doesn't matter what Hisoka's planning or if Kurapika's in on it or not, Hisoka should never, ever touch him. Ever. Kurapika, on the other hand, is unfazed - if not outright grinning.

The clown rounds around with a grin until he's standing in front of him. His foot is in direct crotch reaching length. This could be a good opportunity..."It's been a while, Gon~ "

He's a little proud of himself, since he doesn't full blown bristle but only manages a disturbed, shivering twitch. If Hisoka knows its because of him, he doesn't show it. When its clear Hisoka's waiting for a response, he mumbles "Yeah, it has." and prays the man turns and leaves.

Of course, he doesn't.

"Kurapika's a contracted member of the circus now, aren't you excited?"

Is...is that what the conversation was about and he just missed all of it? "Yeah," He tries on a mock smile. "I'm so glad for Kurapika, I didn't know he wasn't a contracted member yet is all."

"Why so glum then, dear? Miss me? "

"Nope, never, not even a little bit."

Hisoka's chuckle doesn't go unnoticed. "Good to hear it, I'd hate for you to feel lonely, these summer months have been so hot, haven't they?"

The question must've been rhetorical, because after that Hisoka leaves without a word. Both he and Kurapika watch him walk away before Kurapika sighs. "I'll figure that man out yet." He gives the wooden bench two quick taps and manages to his feet, stretching as he rises. "So, you wanna come over to my trailer?"

Gon's never said yes to anything faster in his life. The list of questions he has to ask are piling up the more he thinks about it, mainly what the hell are you and Hisoka doing rubbing elbows like that? Once he sees it, the tiny and almost insignificant thing is a bit stunning. Dirt clings to the off side as if someone's taken it for a joy ride through a dump, its off white and old looking - there's a curious smell of something dead clinging to it.

"That's your trailer?"

"Ah, sorry. It's new, we'll have it cleaned off soon." It sure as hell does not look like it. Kurapika swings the keys on his finger and smiles at Gon as if the place they gave him didn't look like a filthy pig sty. He translated that entire conversation wrong didn't he, if Hisoka liked Kurapika in the slightest, he sure as hell wouldn't have forced him to live in this.

The inside is stunning, its wider on the inside then he thought and has a big bed towards the back, a nice little kitchen and bathroom. Kurapika doesn't have it too bad, then. He doesn't have to go around re-arranging faces. Kurapika flops down on his bed with the sort of full body slump that screams 'exhaustion'.

"Should I leave? I totally get if you need to rest." Flipping through the air like an indecisive bird would exhaust anyone, but even with Kurapika's slumped posture, the man manages a cute smile.

"Nope." He grabs Gon's hand and pulls him onto the bed besides him. The fall is none too graceful but he ends up facing Kurapika with their hands still intertwined.

He isn't sure when he's ever felt so warm and comfy, being with Kurapika is like being wrapped up in blankets, playing video games under the covers with hot cocoa on a snowy afternoon. Not that he'd say any of that, he'd seem like a freaking giant desperate nerd. And he's still got all this worthless trash in him he needs to get rid of, not pollute Kurapika with.

He pulls his hands back, scoots a little further away. "What were you and Hisoka talking about?"

Kurapika eyes go wet. A million apologies dance at the tip of his tongue, 'I'm sorry I'm so fucked up I can't even hold hands with you in friendly way', 'I'm sorry I still can't believe you really exist and give me the time of day', amongst other things. Of course, none of that makes its way out, nothing can make its way out.

"Nothing, really." Kurapika breathes a little deeper and eventually Gon can't see that little twinkle of light in his eyes. He isn't sure whether to be angry at himself for letting the moment slip or thanking Kurapika for alleviating him of responsibility.

"But you two seemed so...chummy?"

"Gon, you...you do realize Hisoka helped me get into the circus in the first place, right? I might be homeless right now if it wasn't for that man, what's your problem with him? He scouted me, I'm only here because of him. If it weren't for the fact that Hisoka argued with Illumi for my contract I wouldn't have gotten my chance on the trapeze to begin with."

Gon isn't sure. One part of him wants to run screaming 'what the unholy fuck just happened?' and the other wants to head to his trailer, run the entire conversation through with a thin toothed comb and see if he missed some thinly veiled reference or joke or something.

"Hey, you alright?" Kurapika's looking like himself again, that look being the usual concerned and abnormally wise mom-friend. "What happened between you and Hisoka? Why are you like this tonight?"

 _Because I'm quite clearly blind, for starters_. Hisoka, taking a child off the streets and welcoming them to the circus sounds like a familiar story but when its told by a different mouth its harder to take in. He remembers being like that, he remembers enjoying Hisoka's presence, his daring, that charming little gleam in his eye that promised adventure, excitement. He also remembers feeling weird and strange when Hisoka's hands wrapped around his waist and picked him up with more...attentiveness then anyone before him, bar one person, had.

This time its different though, this time Kurapika's older and wiser then he was. If Hisoka isn't hurting him, who's he to say his hero is a pedophile? And even if Hisoka's prowling and plotting on him Kurapika's a consenting and intelligent adult, they both are. Its none of his business to inject his drama between them after all the taxing he's done on Kurapika tonight. "Nothing, I just have a thing with clowns."

"That so?" Kurapika's smart enough to know that's a false turn, but he doesn't press for answers. Hisoka remains his personal hero, even if he's left wondering and Gon doesn't have to spill himself out on Kurapika with his own fucked up mess of a childhood, and for tonight, that's all that matters.

When the morning comes, and it unfortunately does, he finds himself in a strange position. His limbs are wrapped around Kurapika's in this strange dual embrace and worst off, Kurapika and the arm he's laying on are both fast asleep. After last night, he is really going to be that much of a jerk because of a little discomfort? Might as well let Kurapika sleep the whole morning away.

Why is he even here, to begin with? Why's Kurapika decided that out of everyone else in the circus, out of anyone else he could meet traveling the world with them, he's clinging the most awkward, lanky, weird kid imaginable? He fights tigers and wrestles hungry bears for living, he's spent time in places he doesn't want to think about. Christ, wow its so hard to breathe and think at the same time and his face is all hot, how weak is he for this. He's a fucking weirdo and Kurapika's blonde with perfect pale skin, a beautiful sweet smile and massive blue eyes that - are open and staring right at him.

"Ahahaha, g'morning!" Gon wipes his eyes without showing his face. The entire point of letting Kurapika rest and not push any subjects was to make sure he didn't get sobbed on and now he's sniveling like some first grader who needs a nap, where does he stop with this nonsense?

"Gon, what happened?" Kurapika starts to get up and Gon escapes the bed, feigning a stretch.

"Nothing, nothing at all, morning Kurapika."

"Gon, Gon, please- no, don't, don't do that." Kurapika reaches for his hand and tries to ease him back to the bed, parts of him want to go, the rest of him wants out of this place as soon as he physically can because the entire trailer feels too small for words, the walls are pressing in on him and he can't get the air in his lungs. "Please, I'm begging you, talk to me."

Nope, not when I know how that shit ends and christ wow it hurts. "Outside," he manages, "We have to head outside. It's morning, need to see the trope schedule, need to plan for the day."

He doesn't enjoy fighting Kurapika but when Kurapika lets go he's hurt, confused in a way. On a base level, perhaps he hoped more effort would be expended for him, even when he was being intentionally opaque.

"I'll meet you outside as soon as I get my stuff together, okay?"

Gon nods as if he has a choice in the matter, amazing how much of his own garbage he's releasing on Kurapika at this point. It's a wonder he hasn't gotten the infamous ultimatum to either nut up or shut up about his problems. Still, he thanks him and rushes out of the way, gathers his jacket and heads out, closing the door behind him, disaster somewhat averted.

Kurapika comes out and its as if nothing else happened and by god, he's so okay with that he lets it happen. If Kurapika is willing to not acknowledge anything that just happened he's more then willing to play along.

"Geez, days like this make me wish I practiced less." Kurapika rolls his shoulder to show his point. "I locked up on the flip last night, strained something or another after the fall."

The fall...that's gonna haunt him for years. If it wasn't his job, he'd be on his hands and knees begging Kurapika to not go back up there. Hell, he might still do it, Illumi's too fucking weird to work with if he's gone so far as to start sabotaging his own performances.

They walk back towards the tent for afternoon practice and - ah, what an eventful day this is turning out to be. If he asks now, will Kurapika turn them both around, let them wallow under the covers for a good two hours? Killua's leaning against the cotton candy vendor, a massive bright blue bag of the stuff hanging by his side. Given everything that's happened already, he'd like to get out of this without a fight but given those ice blue eyes are already locked on them, that's not happening.

Kurapika grabs his hand. His first instinct is to yank his hand away but he looks at Kurapika who gives him a resolute glare and walks them both right past Killua without another word and despite everything, Killua doesn't even bother to acknowledge them.

The day goes by without a hitch. Kurapika doesn't bring up his absurd weirdness when they're reading through their individual acts for tonight. Killua isn't present which is always a good thing, regardless of the context and best off Gon doesn't end the day a sobbing, lonely mess. All and all, great work given what he started with. It's hard to see the day ease into night, its their group's turn to start performing now and they go their separate ways until the end.

It's the usual routine, nothing special. A line of trained seals balancing balls on their heads for the treat of fish with the infamous comedy bit of the clown pretending to be one of them. Nothing groundbreaking, enough to make people think they're holding back without making them think they're unskilled. Or so he thinks, he has no idea how Illumi plans these things.

The show goes on and its Kurapika's turn. He's taken a reserved seat towards the front of the crowd, the lights come down and its Kurapika with three other performers on the highest platform. Not as many people up there as last time, not good. If Kurapika screws up, not only is he not going to get away with it, it's going to show big time. He catches himself folding the edge of his shorts, biting his lip and how could he not - there's no net out, again.

"Breathe for me, won't you?~ "

Where this man comes from and how he sneaks in, he'll never know but god does he want it to stop. Hisoka's sitting on the ground, leaning against the divider looking so pleased with himself you'd swear his hands were down his pants instead of folded across his chest.

"You're stalking me again, great. Save it 'til after the show."

"How selfish of you. I came to watch the show too, after all I'm interested in Kurapika's progress. Though, if you miss me that bad you can wait til after the show and...indulge in my company~ ." He ends with a wink.

If only he got a bag of cotton candy to hurl in, why can't this man take a hint and fuck off? Sure, he's Kurapika's buddy but...wait, Kurapika's progress? He did say Hisoka helped him get into the circus in the first place, it couldn't be... "Kurapika's getting better, right?"

"Against all odds. I've got a running bet against Illumi. Shame about Kurapika, his 'official trainer' is a complete buffoon, if you were to ask me~ "

So Hisoka's not lying...shady insults or not he has a vested interest in Kurapika's success. Having a bet with Illumi, as Hisoka, is not an uncommon thing. Those two are not right, not like not right as in everything they do is wrong, which it is, but not right as in they operate on some absurd plane of reality and morality that he wants no part of. Hell, Illumi was certain an eighteen year old kid would fail a public performance, so he did everything he could to make it more fatal so it could be more exciting.

Hisoka's outright interest strong enough to stay during the show, even when he doesn't have to come is a level of dedication both creepy or, given how friendly the two are, vaguely inspiring. Plus, Hisoka's a roundabout fool but he holds a lot of power here. Him taking a liking to Kurapika can't be anything but good in the long run, so long as he keeps those wandering hands to himself.

The only downfall he can see is Hisoka's own nature; is that interest detrimental or not to Kurapika's future here at the circus? If he asks about it, he's not getting a straight answer.

All the lights come down on Kurapika and the blonde man stands alone on the tight rope, the other trapezers standing on their own individual platforms. The whole crowd, previously communicating in occasional bursts of gasps, now have only hushed conversations between themselves.

He can see a few familiar faces in the crowd, not a surprise but now he knows for sure: people haven't forgotten Kurapika's fall. And if he's noticed it, Illumi's known it since Kurapika first fell and this entire set up is intentional. Illumi's banking on Kurapika's mistake to rile up the people up. Now's the real question; is he hoping Kurapika succeeds or that he fails?

From the corner of his eye he can see Hisoka's eyebrow raise even then he doesn't bother to turn around and look at the scene. Perhaps he wasn't expecting this, perhaps he can get something out of Hisoka.

"What's Illumi planning?"

"...Beats me."

That can't be anything more then a complete and total lie with how much time they spend together. Those two are scheming something on Kurapika right now, he'd put money on it. He's half a mind to crash the show and when Kurapika leans forward, a level of control oozing from his actions that puts Gon to mild ease, he sits just that much closer to the edge of his seat.

A trapezer swings as Kurapika falls and Kurapika reaches out, they catch each other in mid air and swing free gathering momentum until they're moving not unlike a pendulum. Then the other trapezer comes in and swings towards them - he's getting flash backs all over again. His fingers are scratching into the leather, come on, come on. Kurapika leaps...and he's fine, swinging faster along his new companion until they're quicker then he thinks is physically possible, much less safe. The crowds begun a little applause as Kurapika flips back and forth between the two trapezers.

One trapezer grabs him and they swing back together, Kurapika leaning back furthest until they're swinging forward. He grabs the bar, the two let go of the previous bar and they swing together. Kurapika, flying through the air with two people dangling from his legs, swinging in unison to the next trapeze, then the next. Gon's heart couldn't be farther up in his throat. Everyone's watching, waiting until they all fly at once, to the next trapeze, moving like one huge body to bend their 'legs' on the new trapeze.

The circus explodes into cheers and they do it twice more, the second time they even flip over entirely, with Kurapika now becoming the upside down legs. The lights come back on as they fly and they take turns waving to the audience, Kurapika goes as far as to blow a kiss. Gon...needs heart surgery, he might not be able to come and see Kurapika's shows again if this is the level of risk involved with the whole shebang.

He exhales, tries to regain some sense of composure while the trapezers land and disperse with a final shower of applause and bows, and loses it when he hears Hisoka's slow clap. Hisoka, out of everyone, is visibly impressed.

Who cares what act is next, he dashes from his seat to go and find Kurapika, they need to talk yesterday.

The clowns are outside taking their smoke breaks, he deals with it and covers his nose while he passes. Does Hisoka know they do that in public areas, where people can see? Meh, who cares. Kurapika's on the far side of the room, getting pats on the back from two other circus troupe members. He waves and Kurapika turns to him without a moments hesitation and waves him to come over.

"I was hoping you'd stay to watch me." Kurapika's forehead shines in the dusky table lights with a fine later of sweat. His white jumpsuit looks stained and he's barefoot. But above everything else, he's alive and not flipping through the air, doing daring stunts that could kill him because Illumi's insane.

Gon hugs him without thinking, because he's here and that in and of itself is beautiful. "Are you kidding, I wouldn't miss it!" His heartbeat is so strong its enough to make him smile. Just that one little constant reminder that he's here and he didn't fall and the first fall didn't end him and he's still his friend. Kurapika doesn't hug him back - maybe he shouldn't have done that in front of everyone? Hell, for all he knows Kurapika's doesn't actually enjoy his company and was just playing until he got in good with the rest of the aerial acrobats.

Kurapika hugs him back after a moment's notice. But if he caused damage, then the damage is done. Gon pulls his arms away from Kurapika and flashes him a quick smile. Kurapika mirrors his actions, nodding as he does. "Thank you."


	6. Shouldering Burdens

The next few days go on without a hitch, not even from his own weirdo personality. The days begin with him meeting up with Kurapika in front of his trailer, chewing the fat and grabbing cotton candy on the way to pre-show practice and meeting up after. Kurapika's acrobatic stints go on without another mistake, as far as he could see anyway and if he can't see it the average audience member probably can't.

Hisoka's as impossible to scrape off as gum stuck to your shoe. He pops up towards the end of Kurapika's shows, a ghostly grin on his lips, sitting on the sidelines watching the show with an intensity that is disturbing. Sure, Kurapika can go on forever about not hating people for no reason, that's not gonna stop him from watching out.

"Why're you here?" Gon asked on the third day of keeping a close eye of the man. Hisoka gave him an amused grin and said nothing, choosing to lock his hands behind his back and hum an uninspired tune.

The next day, the shows become more intense, the lions and bears come out, more trapezers fly though the air and the only time he sees Hisoka is when the audience does. This is when he's supposed to be damned glad but every cell in his body screams that the bastard is planning something or another. Then again, this is Hisoka, his entire plan could be to not have a plan and just be outright sneaky, can never be sure what the hell he's up to.

It's a new day, time to repeat the cycle and meet up with Kurapika again. The blonde man's already ready, cotton candy bag in hand, in front of his trailer.

"I'm doing the lion routine tonight, I think. Did you get to meet him yet?"

"No, but I'm curious. Is he big?"

"Pretty huge, as far as they go around here." He says with a stupid grin, how that earns a giggle from Kurapika he'll never know.

"Sounds like fun, I guess. Promise not to get hurt, hunter boy." Kurapika giggles and smacks him on the shoulder. He'll never get tired of hearing his cute little laugh.

"I guess I could try~" He all but sings, stumbling forward until something smacks him dead center in the forehead, hard enough to make him grunt and cover his temple. Holy fuck, that hurt.

"So when's the wedding?" Killua walks out from behind the cotton candy booth, tossing an apple in the air and catching it with a smarmy grin. "Hold on, don't tell me. Spring, with foreign marriage vows, small, in a park or garden, no family members. Not for lack of invites though."

Wow, fuck this kid and the horse he rode in on. "What do you want, Killua?" Kurapika asks, finally he gets the slightest bit mad.

"Oh don't you start, fucking fairy boy. Out of everyone here, you're like...the least impressive? 'I do cartwheels. In the air. Somehow that makes me better then everyone else.'" Killua rolls his eyes, the whole 'don't hate' thing aside would Kurapika have a problem if he decided, right now, to punch Killua's teeth down his throat. "Hey Gon, you really gonna be caught dead around this spindly little faggot cause you know he just wants to be all over you?"

Kurapika's about to speak but he's had just about enough of Killua's shit. "Look you pale, weird, creepy Ring-girl looking asshole, Kurapika is my friend, he's fucking awesome, unlike you who just walks around being an angry, boring fucking edgelord all day, doing nothing with your life." Killua blinks, as if the concept of people wanting him to shut the fuck up is so absurdly foreign to him.

"'Edgelord', are you serious-"

"Tch, whatever. What a waste of breath." He grabs Kurapika's hand leads him back towards the tent. The quicker they get away from that obnoxious bastard, the better. Kurapika doesn't say a word to the contrary, even when he's leaving to go practice with the lions, so he must've done a good job in this case, right? Not too 'hateful' for Kurapika's taste.

Practice separates them but they come back together after the show. They brought the fucking house down, if he does say so himself; when they meet up again they're both covered in sweat, arms heavy with various gifts of flowers and ribbons from the audience. It's hard to see Kurapika past all the roses and his ears are ringing from hearing all of Kurapika's squeaking fangirls.

Five days performing and he already has fangirls, that's one for the books. On top of that, Hisoka's missing and with the exception of Kurapika cradling his shoulder and whatever he has going on with Hisoka, life seems to be entirely back to 'normal'.

"High five for the best circus trope ever?" Gon grins to counter the somber expression on Kurapika's face - what could be the matter after the night they just had?

Kurapika mirrors him and reaches up, giving him a high five before dropping his arm back down with an annoyed hiss. He wasn't hiding it very well but Kurapika notices how worried he is, "You can hardly see it, but one of the trapezers kicked me by accident."

"Let me see." Accidents, in this circus, don't happen all that often. And with Killua breathing down their necks and what happened earlier, Kurapika getting some sort of 'accidental injury' is room for pause. Kurapika himself seems a little..concerned, as if he isn't sure whether he wants him to see or not. "Look, I know I overreacted with Killua and everything, I promise I won't freak out." Kurapika is really good at shit eating grins as it turns out, but he needs to stop practicing them on him. "I mean it."

Kurapika gives him a sideway glance, measuring him up and then loses his shirt. There it is, a ugly red and purple painted mark stretching from his upper shoulder to his lower back, swellings beginning to set in and mishape the usual subtle curve of his arms, he needs to get this on ice as soon as possible. No wonder Kurapika's been rubbing it so much, it looks awful.

"Remember, it was an accident."

"For his own sake, I hope its by accident. I'd fucking kill anyone who did this to you on purpose." Kurapika shoots him a look and he nods his head in apology. Kurapika is right to some extent, he's going to need to restrain himself..maybe, probably, depending on whether or not he can track down who did this. "For right now though, lets take care of it okay?" Gon takes Kurapika by the hand, Killua's not around and Hisoka's still holding the audience hostage with his performance so they get to his trailer without too much trouble.

Gon turns on the lights, sits Kurapika down on the messy bed he still refuses to clean and gets a first aid kit and a small bag of plastic filled with ice cubes. Taking a second look at that shoulder, maybe he shouldn't touch it - what if he does more harm then good. In fact, why is he even trying to do this? "We should take you to the medical tent so Leorio can take a look at it instead."

"No, I trust you." Kurapika shakes his head and gives him a smile that hurts because what if he fucks up, what if that trust is horrifically fucking misplaced and he ruins Kurapika's shoulder because he put the ice in the wrong place or something stupid like that? "That's why you're saying you don't want to do it anymore right? Because you think you'll mess up? I trust you, I don't see the issue here."

Kurapika has no idea how much of a giant asshole he is, if there's no way to ruin something, he's the type of person who could find it - he has to be. "I don't see why I'm the last resort. Leorio, our doctor, can take a look at that."

"No, if I go to the medical tent they'll tell me I can't perform on this shoulder, I can't not perform, what if Illumi does something crazy again?"

"You can't, I'm not much with anything besides bandages but you can't perform with that. Illumi's evil but he's not stupid, I'm sure he'll see that you're helping bring in the crowds."

"Don't you think I know my own body well enough to say whether or not I can perform?"

"Don't you think I know my own first aid kit skills well enough to say whether or not I can help you? "

"Don't do that to me." Kurapika jabs his finger into the center of his chest. "We're friends, but you need to relax and stop being so...manipulative."

"I'm manipulative?" Gon slaps Kurapika's hand away. "You're the one that's friends with Fucky the Clown out there!"

"That's...that's exactly what I mean, first you're trying to convince me Killua's awful, then Hisoka's a pedophile and now I don't know my own strength and I don't trust you." Kurapika rubs the bridge of his nose and Gon can't help but walk away and aimlessly do the same, funny how he ended up in fight fucking up their friendship while desperately trying to not do just that.

"That's not what I meant," He deflates, gets a good grasp on himself so that he doesn't scream or cry out like a giant baby. "You're making me seem like a bigger jerk then I am and you're constantly reminding me how much of a fuck up I am, that I'm hardly worthy to even be around you, much less your friend and-"

"Woah, slow down a sec," Kurapika grabs his shoulder, "Where did that come from, I never said any of that."

...Yeah, where did that come from, anyhow? He isn't the only one thinking it right, anyone who sees him together thinks they're an oddball couple that shouldn't be together. The weird kid from the forest and the prince like boy from an ancient tribe, friends, what a load.

"Gon, I'm concerned about you." Kurapika whispers, his hand comes up and wipes away a tear with the pad of his thumb. Fuck, he's crying and nothing's happened yet, someone save him. "Do you honestly think I've never thought you were good enough for me, did you think if you messed anything up or did something imperfectly, I would leave?"

Well, yes obviously. He doesn't say that of course, he just sort of kicks the floor and wonders what he should say.

"Silly, precious thing." Kurapika chuckles. Gon laughs, then Kurapika's mouth is pressing against his, one hand cradling his neck, sliding down until its tugging down the fabric on the back of his shirt. It's a good thing to have a really cute, shirtless, royal looking blonde trying to get his tongue into your mouth, right?

He leans back to move with the pull and Kurapika's opposite hand touches his abs, then moves upwards, slowly until his hand is directly over his heart. Gon doesn't know what he should be doing, but he should be doing something or another shouldn't he? He opens his mouth and Kurapika moans, its enough to make his knees go weak. He grabs Kurapika's hips, he's so slender and pretty like a butterfly or a piece of art, if he grabs him too hard he'll break. Then he cuts off that line of reasoning, he isn't doing anything that would hurt Kurapika, he's not ruining everything yet.

Kurapika must like it, because his next move is to grab Gon's head, twist his own mouth against his and pulls him forward by his shirt until he gets the message 'Bed, now'.

Gon picks Kurapika up and the blonde wraps his legs around his waist. That's good thinking, okay. He collapses them both back on the bed. He thought for sure he'd fuck that up and body slam Kurapika or smack his head against the headboard but Kurapika's all giggles and threading his fingers through his hair.

Kissing and kissing until he can't taste anything but Kurapika on his lips and Kurapika's hands have thoroughly explored every inch of his chest, curled under his shirt and torn the thing off only to scrape down his back. That, that is so unbelievably good, he grinds down on Kurapika's waist and-

Kurapika's body shoots up with a moan that's as if he's lost control of his body and Gon stops. Did he hurt him, or something, that didn't sound like what someone should sound like. "You-You're quite the romantic, huh?" Kurapika laughs with an exhale that eases his whole body back to the bed. His fingers curl under Gon's chin and he grins, biting his lip and looking him over. This has become something a hell of a lot different then he thought it would. Kurapika kisses a spot in the crevice under his chin, beneath his ear.

"I mean, I guess but I wouldn't call myself that." Gon eases out of Kurapika's hands, ignoring the look of confusion Kurapika gives him and getting up to retrieve his shirt. This isn't good, not in the slightest.

Meaning that the only friend he really has here, the only one he could actually say 'hey I trust him', is now number one guaranteed to be the first one who hates him because he's beyond repair. Kurapika can love him with all his heart and nothing good would come of this. There's no value in any relationship with them together, how could there be when Gon can hardly get his own trailer together much less a life with Kurapika in it; a guy who deserves the literal world on a platter.

"Gon, this? It was good, you know that right? I liked it, you didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry if I said anything-"

"Okay...okay...okay give me a second." He exhales, how to put it because the entire thing is wrong, the whole damn thing is completely wrong.

"I-I'm so, so sorry for putting you in this sort of position."

"No, no its fine, you didn't plan this - um, huh. Okay, listen I really don't have anything against you what so ever, but can I get a day? I need time to think, you know, about me and you since me and you is kind of now, us and we when it shouldn't be?"

"Yeah, no I get it. See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, okay and um-"

"Don't worry, I'll get my shoulder checked out and everything. Good night!"

"Good night." Gon closes the door behind him, flops down on the bed. When its finally all quiet and its clear Kurapika isn't coming back tonight he exhales and lets out an uneasy, quiet sob.

He's fucked everything up all over again. What was he thinking even letting Kurapika kiss him, now he has to find a way out of this without hurting anyone because letting it keep going is just going to bring them more pain. He can't deal with this, not tonight, not after everything was going so well. He shuts off the lights and pretends tonight never happened.


	7. Back in Line

If he has to put boot to one more person's ass today, he's quitting. He had to personally put the clowns back in fucking order after he caught them smoking outside, Hisoka pretended to be shocked but probably couldn't be fucked enough to stop them the lazy fuck. Now he's having to oversee last day clean up because certain people - yeah, the clowns again obviously - can't be bothered to do their damn jobs right and take apart the tents correctly. Worst, all he has for breakfast is a fucking apple since Illumi tried to raid his tent.

Then again, if it weren't for the clowns, there wouldn't be a tear in the tent for him to sneak a look at Gon to begin with so there's that.

"No, but I'm curious. Is he big?"

Kurapika's voice, about twenty feet if he's right and this rotten apple isn't fucking with his head somehow. There he is- walking side by side and giggling about who cares what with nature boy, which is disgusting because he already called dibs on him, he knows he made that pretty damn clear. Kurapika's getting too comfy with what's his, time to nip this in the bud.

"So when's the wedding?" Killua walks out from behind the cotton candy booth, tossing an apple in the air and catching it with a smarmy grin. "Hold on, don't tell me. Spring, with foreign marriage vows, small, in a park or garden, no family members. Not for lack of invites though."

Gon's face twitches, its a shame somehow anything's occurred and progressed between these two, but he'll do what he can to stop the adorable little ranger from making a mistake. Best to keep him away from the fancy euro-foreign kids anyway, charming but usually hit and quitters.

"What do you want, Killua?" Kurapika's actually upset, glaring at him even. How cute, the blonde bastard thinks he's tough.

"Oh don't you start, fucking fairy boy. Out of everyone here, you're like...the least impressive? 'I do cartwheels. In the air. Somehow that makes me better then everyone else.'" He makes sure to roll his eyes but Gon's fuming as if he's directed those words to him. "Hey Gon, you really gonna be caught dead around this spindly little faggot cause you know he just wants to be all over you?" And don't say you actually like this weirdo.

Gon speaks over Killua, "Look you pale, weird, creepy Ring-girl looking asshole, Kurapika is my friend, he's fucking awesome, unlike you who just walks around being an angry, boring fucking edgelord all day, doing nothing with your life."

Woah, wait hold on a second here, he is not standing up for the new kid is he? They aren't already a thing, he hasn't missed his chance, has he? "'Edgelord', are you serious-"

"Tch, whatever. What a waste of breath." Gon grabs Kurapika's hand and storms back towards the tent, past him with not even the slightest twitch or stop. He's kidding right-why the hell would anyone choose Kurapika over him. He looks like a little boy for fucks sake, at least Gon's starting to get abs.

This is a joke, he's half a mind to rush ahead and beat Kurapika until he can't be identified with dental records. Gon's so taken by the 'foreign cutie' trick, so fucking blind - here's the greatest thing on planet Earth standing right in front of him and he leaves that for a blonde in a blue parka, give him a break.

Gon's being all touchy with him, holding hands and defending him as if they're a couple - what the hell is that all about?

He loiters around the cotton candy stands so he doesn't at least seem desperate, he's finally gained enough credit around here that people aren't making fun of him for being short. He's not going to risk losing that to chase after anyone, much less anyone that hangs around Kurapika. If Gon's going to make that big of a mistake, he'd rather watch everything fall apart from the sidelines. After twenty minutes, he heads to his own trailer, opens the door and a hand drags him in by his hair. Nails press into his scalp and he ducks away on instinct, sliding backwards into the room. Big mistake, Illumi slams the door behind him with his free hand, cutting off his escape route.

Instinct takes over, he ducks down and away, narrowly missing banging his head on a dresser by the door. Illumi keeps a firm grip and collapses after. They're both on the floor, one of Illumi's hands already tugging at the bottom of his shirt. His hands are freezing cold and his face is hidden behind a cloak of black hair. Killua randomly scratches, kicks, screams, does all the things he knows from experience don't actually work.

Illumi raises his thigh to mount him properly and Killua rolls against the wall. Illumi loses his grip on his shirt and Killua scrambles backward for the door, tripping on the carpet as he moves. For the first time Killua can see him, he's smiling like a little child catching a snowflake on his tongue.

Illumi dives after him, knocking him back by colliding against his calves and pain rings through his knees and spreads to his head and back when he falls. What was the point of all that, really, if this was the ending. Illumi's knees are on either side of his waist and Killua can feel his erection through his pants, stabbing his zipper.

He shuts his eyes, twists his head to the side and just flails, wildly, through everything. He can't even be bothered to hate himself when Illumi's inside him, wordlessly screwing him against a wall. Hell, its more effort then he put out last time. The minutes drone on and on with him gathering up the strength to push back, only to fail and have Illumi double his efforts - when he's done the man steps away and rezips his pants.

"Strange." Illumi mumbles to himself. "Not as good as last time."


	8. Hitting the Road

When the morning comes, and it doesn't matter how much Gon wishes it didn't, he stays in bed. If he lays here, does nothing and gets lucky, the next few days will pass as if he never existed. Kurapika will forget about him and find someone better without there having to be any fighting or second guessing.

But, he's still human and his stomach bugs him to do something until he relents. Poptarts for breakfast it is while sighing at the puddle of worn clothes sitting in the middle of his trailer and the growing pile of unwashed dishes. There's a distinct smell of dust in the air and he can't remember where he keeps the vacuum cleaner, assuming he ever had one. Between those chores and heading out today, he's not finishing anything.

In the distance through the small, white bordered window to the outside, he can see a few tents coming down, clowns and stagehands dismantling the less important shacks. Now's the time they'll be packing up to head elsewhere. If nothing happens, he doesn't have to face the world and he won't see Kurapika for so long his head will spin.

What a fucking situation to put himself in, Kurapika and him locking lips on a whim. Gon tossing him on the bed while he's got an injured shoulder, what a stupid move on his part. He's been bitten, scratched, clawed, full-blown assaulted by lions, tigers and snakes, he should know better than to agitate his injury.

Three clear knocks on his door make him go still. There are two possibilities, one is he opens the door and Kurapika's standing there, arms folded and shoulder aching, getting up only to call it all quits. In which case, good, he's dealing with the consequences without having to take blame. On the other hand, a performer could be coming to him for help or with an announcement for another night of performance, in which case he's shirking off. He can't see the person at the door from the side window, they must be short meaning it's Kurapika or...

It's Killua, skateboard by his side wearing the expression of a nine to five worker who looked at the clock after two hours worth of work and realized its only nine fifteen.

"Oh, you." An insult dances at the tip of his tongue, but he bites back. "What do you want?"

"Your boyfriend's in the tent with a sprained shoulder, not that I care mind you. He asked how you were doing, I told him to fucking eat a dick and Leorio bugged me about it til I left and came over because that little shit is obnoxious." Not bruised but full on sprained and they still made out, he might've caused more damage tossing Kurapika onto the bed, does he ever not ruin anything? "You going to visit him or can I knock his lights out with the back of my board?"

Not much of a choice then, if Kurapika wants to see him Kurapika gets to see him, end of story. He pushes Killua aside and heads across the heated summer grounds.

The sun is out in full force today, enough that he can feel the heat irradiating to his toes from the dirt. At least it was Killua at the door and not someone asking for help moving things. The entire clown line up, Hisoka of course being the only exception, are all out of their makeup and into full swing, dismantling tents and booths and raising up a sound that's like nails on chalkboard, giant wood pillars scraping against the ground, kicking up dust. Booths being taken apart with power drills or nails and hammers, its a wonder he slept as long as he did.

"So you and Kurapika, huh?" Killua shouts over the remaining, fading noise. Gon keeps walking, he doesn't need this guy's bull right now.

Killua runs up to meet him. "Oh what, two guys staying in a trailer together, one of ems' all googly eyed for the other and nothing happens, bullshit. You two butt buddies now or what?" He's pats Gon's back and Gon twitches away from him. Whatever's going through Killua's mind, its something meant to fuck with him and he knows it but this once, Kurapika's not around to judge him for it.

"Killua, can you do me a favor and shut the fuck up?"

Killua takes one good look at him, icy blue eyes running over him head to toe and all Gon does is glare at him. It's been long enough that he knows, all the 'get back' vibes and resting bitch faces in the world aren't going to hammer the point home, but Killua goes out of his way to be downright detestable. The little bastard smirks from ear to ear as if he told some hysterical in-joke. "Nah, don't wanna. Bugging you is the only good thing I get out of this whole deal."

"If you were anyone else, I'd be shocked."

"Why?" Killua's tone switches from taunting to overtly flirty and giggly. "I'd love to bugger you, I could bugger you all day and night if you wanted me to, wake you up in the trailer at night, every night so its just me and you, buggering."

"Go 'bugger' yourself, prick." Gon groans, doubling his speed until he all but dashes into the tent. He and Kurapika might never have anything but they will talk about how to counter Killua's love of being a complete tool for no reason.

Kurapika's sitting on a wooden stool, kicking at the carpeted ground and rubbing his bandaged arm. When he notices Gon, he waves with a bright grin that makes Gon double guess himself. He can't cut this off in a healthy way when that smile is the cutest thing on Earth and needs to be protected no matter what. Kurapika scoots over on the bench and taps the seat next to him. He shakes his head but is pushed forward, he can hear Killua spinning on his heels and walking out. Is he rooting for this to happen or not because now he must be fucking with him. Gon deflates and Kurapika holds up a hand, "It's fine, I get it. You don't have to."

A pang of guilt eases him into the seat next to Kurapika. "It's no mind at all," His brain is screaming warnings to abandon ship while also screaming that he needs to not be thought of as ruder then he already is.

"Not much energy since the painkillers kicked in so let's not play around here, what's the problem?"

The first answer to jump to mind is 'me', the second just tumbles from his mouth; "What was I supposed to keep going? You have a ruined shoulder and -"

"Ah, no." Kurapika shushes him with a finger to his mouth, Gon leans away from it on instinct and Kurapika follows his lips until Gon gives up. "You and I both know that wasn't the reason, otherwise you wouldn't have thrown me onto the bed."

"Heat of the moment, stop it, seriously, I mean." Kurapika retracts his hand and Gon hops over to the edge of the bench.

"Gon, be honest with me, do you want to be in a relationship?"

Yes, but nothing is that simple, of course who wouldn't want to be in a relationship with Kurapika, he's perfect and sweet and beautiful and charming, the epitome of awesome. Yet, here he is still wondering because Kurapika is too awesome. He'll find a way to repulse him so what's the use. If he were worthy of Kurapika's attention, he wouldn't be alone, now would he.

"Fuck." Gon spits and shakes his head, tears are burning like pinpricks at the sides of his eyes.

"Look at me, I want to see you." Kurapika's hand slides under his chin, raises his face to look at him and he can't match eyes with him, that's bleeding with intimacy. His voice is low, calm and collected despite his injury, how many times Kurapika's charmed the pants off people. There's no way this is his first time putting moves on someone with the way he wows crowds and gathers fangirls. He's too smooth, his words are too raw and honeyed.

Gon grits his teeth, lips press against his and he doesn't know what to do anymore. One second he's trying to walk out the next he knows he's being horrible, but he wants to do more with Kurapika. When the blonde pulls back, he pushes him away on instinct alone.

"You're too good for me."

"I never said that, why do you think I hate you?"

He breathes a little deeper, it's so hard to have to speak about these things, knowing Kurapika's dying of laughter at everything he says. "I don't think you hate me, you don't hate anyone."

"I never said that either." Kurapika says with a rueful, dry laugh that makes him wonder who achieved that great feat. A level of assholeishness so high, Killua and Hisoka couldn't manage it.

"I'm not good enough though-"

"What's good enough for me is up to me and my standards, isn't it? Blood of the covenant and all, as some say." Kurapika's hand on his shoulder is such a burst of encouragement, he somehow feels as if he's being pitied.

"I'm not company, I'm some random teen circus freak who plays with the animals."

Kurapika leans his head back and smacks his hand against his leg. Its a wonder its only taken this long for Kurapika to find something about him to outright laugh about in front of his face. Kurapika turns to Gon with a smile and gives his shoulder a hearty, friendly shake. "Now, now we're getting somewhere. Tell me more about yourself."

He isn't sure if Kurapika's being honestly intrusive or if this is the most blatant admission of 'I'm fucking you with' he's ever gotten, bar someone saying it straight to his face. "You're joking, right? I just said you shouldn't be with me-" And on top of it all Kurapika's got the sort of subtle grin on his face of knowing something he doesn't.

"That's not what I asked you though, is it? I asked why do you think I hate you, not a list of reasons you don't like yourself." Kurapika, for as collected as he is, chuckles. "Funny, even when I'm telling and showing you you are beyond good enough, you still can't seem to accept it. Why, I wonder."

Gon tucks his hands away and moves over more so he isn't facing Kurapika. What's he going to say to that, when Kurapika's dissecting him like a frog on a fucking plate?

"How about this then-" Kurapika palms spread on his back and glide up to his shoulders, cupping them. "How about we head back to your place and I show you how good for me you are, hm?" His lithe arms tuck underneath him, then his fingers spread and head downward against his lower stomach before baring his nails. Gon bites his lip at the prospect.

Kurapika would be his first. He can already see Kurapika, being the romantic he is, interlocking fingers with him and being so sweet and gentle with him, kissing him in all the right places. And it's so dumb of him isn't it, Kurapika is only massaging his abs and he's thinking of something entirely different that could never happen. How fucking desperate is he? Kurapika doesn't say a word, only presses a light kiss to his cheek.

Gon cups his face in his hands, "This is so weird and stupid and I have no idea why you're even doing this, I mean you could do so much better."

"With who? I have a distinct memory of telling you, you're not a burden. You're a genuinely kind hearted person and such a sweet, precious thing, do you think I'd be doing this if I thought I could do better?" Kurapika nuzzles his chin in the crook of Gon's shoulder until their cheeks press together. Kurapika's skin silky against his, blonde strands tickle his neck, his eyelashes brush against Gon's cheek when he blinks.

"Yeah, I remember." Gon mumbles and tries to fold one of his hands over the other, how is he supposed to handle all of this. Kurapika's hands leave his ribs and cradle his hands, gently running his open palm against his, his heart's about to float out of his mouth. He screwed himself into this weird catch twenty two.

If he's with Kurapika, he's with Kurapika and it's a matter of time before something happens and the blonde cutie can't look him in the eye anymore. If he isn't with Kurapika, he isn't with the sweetest, nicest guy he's ever met who touches and kisses him like he's a long lost lover from a past life.

Out here, god knows where in a circus tour with another man cradling him in his arms, interlocking fingers. "I have no idea what I'm doing." Gon mumbles and stretches his fingers with Kurapika's, strange how they seem to move like they're one, almost.

"We're holding hands, silly."

He's a half a mind to call Kurapika a smartass, but he wasn't even supposed to hear that last one, how's he going to dump all that knowledge on Kurapika right now, that's outright wrong and rude. He can't tell Kurapika to pretend he didn't hear it, it's out there and he's stuck with it. "Yeah, I guess...what should we do next? Do I-Do we do 'it' now?"

"Oh my g-" Kurapika laughs and puts a light kiss on Gon's neck, what the hell did he do wrong this time around. "Gon we don't have to have sex until we've gone out, I'm not going to force you into bed with me."

Oh, what? "I, I don't have to have sex with you?"

"If it makes you feel better we don't have to have sex at all."

Oh, okay. Gon smiles and nestles back into Kurapika's chest, he twitches and mumbles 'shoulder'. He gets up whispering a 'sorry', a little happier for the time being.

Gon takes Kurapika's hand, "Wanna come to my trailer for a while?"

"Sure." Kurapika nods and follows him, they don't run into Killua on the way which is good, because the moment he gets Kurapika inside, he's cuddling with him on the bed. He avoids the shoulder but Kurapika's going to regret this, he's cuddling the man to death, right here and right now no matter what it takes.

Kurapika nuzzles his nose against Gon's in an eskimo kiss and giggles. His breath the minty and sweet bite of fresh peppermint, he toys with the idea of a kiss before chickening out and tickling Kurapika more. Too soon for that, too intimate, it can wait, he can wait, he and Kurapika are a thing now.

He wakes up with Kurapika getting off the bed, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"Nah, its fine." He mumbles, unsure of whether or not its late enough in the morning to rub the sleep from his eyes. He isn't going to check either, since it'd defeat the purpose of asking.

Kurapika leans over him and kisses him on the cheek. "We're heading off traveling today so I'm gonna head to my trailer, okay Sunshine?"

Doesn't matter what time or place, he's always going to wonder how Kurapika can so easily throw around loving nicknames and affection. What name should he give Kurapika? Does Kurapika even want him to respond, what are the rules now that everything's changed and lying in the same bed no longer has the friendly connotation that it used to? "Okay. Sweetheart." He manages out between a choked laugh halfway through.

Kurapika smiles and his cheeks flare up. Gon hides his face. "I'm sorry that was so lame."

"It wasn't lame, silly. Get some sleep." Kurapika ruffles his hair and he can't lie down anymore. He throws the sheets off him and gets up, sticking to Kurapika's side. "No, no I'll be fine-"

"I can't sleep, I'm all happy now." He reaches to grab Kurapika's hand but pulls back, but not quick enough to get away with it.

"It's fine."

"Too soon."

"For me or for you?"

"I don't know." Gon shrugs and sits back down. Burning tears are peeking at the sides of his eyes and he looks at the ground. It's his fault they can't do this simple, little thing of holding hands regularly, but if he said that Kurapika would be concerned.

Kurapika leans his head against Gon's shoulder. "Is it because you don't think you're good enough for it?"

Yes, because you're going to find someone who loves you better and is more deserving of you. "No." He flashes a smile at Kurapika and drops his head again.

There's a note of silence. The bed creeks as Kurapika shifts a little closer. "That's not true, you know that much right?" Kurapika's eyes are honest and raw, pleading for discussion, truth, some level of connection uninhibited by foolishness. He could spit out the truth to him he could get it all off his chest and not have the reaction be 'Oh well, get over it'. "I like you, I like what we have so far and I want that to keep growing. I mean, I'm not saying you not wanting to hold hands in a deal-breaker, but." Kurapika's sentence ends in a sigh and he rubs his face, "I guess I'm just learning your boundaries right now is all."

"Yeah, I guess." He draws circles in the blanket sheet. 'Boundaries' is another code word for 'failures', one more thing that will slowly push them apart and Kurapika will be walking his trailer with someone else, someone better. No one says anything, until Kurapika takes a breath longer then usual and Gon turns to him, stuck between hoping he'd be dumped and hoping Kurapika would up and walk out.

"Tell you what then, I have a plan." Kurapika's eyes are alight with passion and meaning, he pounds the bed with a clenched fist. "The moment we hit the next town I'm taking you on a date."


	9. Holding Off

Killua could call him soft or effeminate all he liked, but Kurapika's a determined man and nothing Gon managed to prattle out could get him off this wild ride of an idea.

"That is literally the worst idea I've ever heard anyone have." He deadpans, a cold feeling sinking through his heart while thinking of all the possible ways he'll embarrass the two of them when out in public together.

Kurapika laughs and grabs his hand, then pulls him off the bed until Gon tumbles into his arms. "Come on, it'll be fun, we're heading to York New City right after this town right?"

Flares are going off in his head that this is too much contact. At any moment Kurapika will slide away and mumble something about his physical build and features, but it doesn't happen. For the sake of the moment, he bites back sarcasm in favor of mumbling, "I guess." York New City is a usual blip on the performance map. A yearly thing where they head there, perform their best and most shocking performances, including something special and unique by Hisoka every year.

Did a year already speed right by him without noticing? Last he remembers he was storming out of the tent after one of Hisoka's performances where he swears the bastard winked at him. After a while the towns sort of blurred together into performance stops and the city names become countdowns to the next days of travel.

"Gon, come on- I don't know..." Kurapika looks off to the slide, teeth pressing into his lip. A part of Gon wants to kiss the unhappiness off his face because he's the cause of it. Out of everyone Kurapika deserves unhappiness least of all, he deserved giant stuffed bears, sugary sweets and cuddles. The rest of him is still freaking out over the level of physical contact. Their chests are two inches from pressing against each other and the sheer level of casual ignorance Kurapika shows is disturbing. Like walking past a seven man orgy in the middle of the street in broad daylight and watching everyone else ignore it outright.

"I'm not - okay, whew how to put this?" Kurapika's arms droop to his side, he lowers his head. The gears are turning, Gon can almost hear how Kurapika will explain why this date isn't a stupid idea and ignore all evidence to the contrary. Then Kurapika slaps himself on the forehead with a mumble of 'duh', Gon tries to keep his heart from giving out. "I want to take you out on a date because I want you to know how precious you are. Because, no offense to you, I love you, I do, but you treat yourself like shit."

"It's not that I don't want to its just that I don't think its a good idea." He shrugs, because where would they go in a huge place like York New City? A fancy place with fountains and expensive foods he doesn't have the palate for so he can be twice as much of a country hick then normal?

"Why not, what could happen?"

"Why would you want to go out in public, outside the circus, with me?"

Kurapika makes the most aggravated sound a human can manage to make and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Why do you think you're worthless? Who made you think that, who taught you to treat yourself like this?"

Gon snickers, scratching his elbow. He half considers being the smart-ass he so enjoys being and giving him a detailed list, he should given he's asking all the right questions. He bites his lip and shakes his head, "No."

"No?"

"Minefield, let's not." Yes, please, let's not travel into that emotional minefield right now.

"No, let's. Because I can't just watch you hurt yourself."

"I'm fine," He flashes his wrists, begrudgingly. "I'm doing better than some others, trust me."

"You don't have to-" Kurapika takes a deep breath and rubs his forehead. "You don't have to slit your wrists or cut yourself to self-harm, you're letting yourself rot in here, I mean," Kurapika sucks his teeth and snatches a pair of shorts on the floor between two fingers, cringing. He tosses them into his lap.

"It's fine, I'm not like, getting sick or-"

"Gon, look me in my face and tell me you wouldn't mind me living like this."

He gets a couple false starts but can't force anything out. A pang of anger blossoms in him, seeing the trailer in a new, wretched light. A stagnant pool of stale clothes in the middle of the floor, the messy and overflowing pile of dishes, the layer of dust conquering the walls. If Kurapika was living like this, Gon would never, ever stood by and watched it happen - hell, when he saw the outside of Kurapika's trailer he was ready to hurt someone. If the inside resembled his trailer, he would've gotten out the vacuum cleaner and the duster and got to work himself.

"Now, the silence tells me you know this is wrong, you know this is bad and you know you can stop it. You don't want to. The question is; why? Mainly, why do you think you deserve a lesser lot in life-"

"No, I'm not living above my means-"

"So you don't deserve better than this?"

"What is your problem and why does my lifestyle concern you?" Gon blurts out in a spike of rage from his aching chest. "Why are you standing here, judging me, trying to make me feel worse about all this? I've tried to be some happy, mindless little ball of light that floats around the world having no problems." He slinks back, not outright calm but deflating until he's resting, arms spread out on the bed and staring at the ceiling.

He feels Kurapika's hand wet against his cheek. "Gon. Gon talk."

He blinks away the tears. "I want burgers."

"Huh?"

"When we go on the date, I want burgers; Nice ones with real meat and pickles, I miss pickles, I haven't been eating a lot of veggies. I'm surprised my teeth haven't rotted out." The giggling isn't appropriate, but when has social convention stopped him from doing strange things before?

"Oh, okay." Kurapika whispers, the minutes pass on with easy fingers wiping at his wet cheeks with more delicate attentiveness then anyone should be allowed to show. A nebulous thing bubbles up in the pit of his stomach and there's no shame in the sobbing, only hazy contentment. There's a zoo too, if you want we can go there while they set up the show, since it isn't a same day performance."

"Yeah, that sounds good."

"You want to talk?"

"No, not really."

"Okay."

Kurapika kisses his cheek and the minutes fade on into allowing a warm, blooming feeling flood the pit of his stomach until everything is okay again. Feeling bad about crying might be the right thing to do, surely Kurapika doesn't want to sit here and baby him but for now, he doesn't want that welling warmth to leave. For once in a long, long time, it's okay.

Kurapika kisses him on his cheek and leaves for lights out, but it's okay because the feeling stays behind and he gets up, wondering where he left that vacuum cleaner and room spray. The place is in worse shape then he thought, nothing beyond elbow grease though. He gets all his dirty clothes off the floor, shifts some of the dust off the walls and freshens the place up before slipping into thin shorts, a black tube top and calling it a night.

The night eases into day while he falls asleep, the last waking moments spent with his heart easing in thought of his future date, with Kurapika no less. The thought of that on its own is amazing and for once he's looking forward to it, thinking of it now how could he mess this date up - it's grabbing burgers and spending time together walking through York New, how hard would it be? If he doesn't freak out, he'll be fine.

He wakes up at midday, the driver's got the trailer moving and they're on the road to York New. From his window he can see the long lines of trailers both ahead of him and behind him on the long, winding concrete road. He squints, Kurapika's fresh, cleaned trailer towards the back. Next time, he'll needs to catch a ride with him, in the past he had no problem with it but staying in the trailer alone and awake is boring. Nothing to do besides straighten up the place so it's at least more livable.

The evening approaches and paints the skies in orange and purple hues, the trailers find a clearing surrounded by trees on the side of the road and park in a circle for the night. Drivers need sleep and he needs to get out and stretch his legs before he loses his mind, he goes barefoot into the grass and slumps to the ground with a heaving breath. It's still wet with morning dew, the cold is enough to bring him back to himself, enough to remind him of who he is, where he is and that has done nothing to chase everyone away yet.

The moon shows its face, he's been outside for some time now but he can't find it in him to head back in. Hermit or not, he's a wild child, he plays with bears and tigers for fun, he can't spend the whole day inside doing nothing.

Kurapika's trailer is across the lot and the lights are on but he doesn't want to burst in and drown Kurapika in his presence, they've already got a date set up. No reason to force even more contact. No other option then to head into the forest, feeling more welcome there then at any other trailer in the lot, including his own. The canopy is so thick, the moonlight can't penetrate it and he can't see anything ahead of him but this isn't a date. This is familiar, at least he has experience in being lost and alone in the dark.

He feels around the damp bark of the trees, gets as far into the overhanging umbrella of trees as he can and finds a rotted out tree large enough to slip into. How many years had he spent in this circus and Kurapika was the closest thing he's had to a friend or companion, what is his problem?

He makes himself at home, resting his head against a sprout growing from the decay and watches the stars pass overhead, falling asleep would be a stupid move given he must head back to the circus at dawn. At least five years of his life spent doing nothing, performing with the trope and heading from town to town never putting down anything permanent or sticking in his life.

And as if on cue Kurapika made that all blindingly obvious by loving him. He ignores the wet feeling on his cheeks, chalks it up to loose rainwater.

An outstretched nailed hand appears in the light of the moon and dives towards him, his heart leaps to his throat and he ducks under the open hole of the tree. He scrambles out, slips on one of the revealed roots with fungi sticking to his heel. He whirls around and Hisoka is standing there, hand on hip and smiling ear to ear. "I haven't seen you in quite some time and look at that, you've grown up, haven't you? I can tell you have, so much quicker to run from anything that scares you now."

"Trust me, that's learned behavior, what do you want?" Hisoka stands right in the path he needs to run to get back to the center of the trailers, if he can find a way past he'll dart into his trailer and Hisoka won't be able to catch him. He can lock the door and return to the illusion that Hisoka can't get in and he's safe.

"My, so aggressive, I was just heading out for a nightly stroll and all of a sudden you come out of nowhere and attack me like that~ ." Hisoka feigns a clutch at his heart and tumbles back against a tree. "Gon, I've missed you, I came out here to see you."

"You saw me leave then followed me out here to get with me alone." Nothing but the clothes on his back and, if worse gets down to the absolute worse, his voice to defend himself with. What's the chance his fellow performers would hear his screams much less pay attention and investigate to protect him.

"Only because I missed you oh so dearly, that and Illumi's let me in on some terrible news. I tried to fight it but, sadly, no avail. We'll be heading around the country side for longer then we thought, we have a few more days til York New, pit stops and one nighters." Hisoka flicks his hand with a groan. He never took well to one night of performances, it meant he never got to show 'his real, raw talent to a deserving audience' he says. Either that, or he's making an allusion to sex again. Reading Hisoka is like reading the Ulysses; he's tried and made a good, valiant effort but all he's left with is a pounding headache and a reminder he's an idiot.

Either way, that means no big city date for a while. "And you couldn't wait until tomorrow to tell me." Gon scratches his hands through his hair, he knows his mental state and he knows when he's in a place of flux, today he was riding a damn good high. He could've totally made it through a date with Kurapika without embarrassing himself but he doesn't know how thin his patience and will to be happy will be tomorrow.

"It wouldn't make a difference anyway, now would it?" Hisoka strolls past him without another word. This time he makes sure he's facing him the whole time until Hisoka is out of sight, then he runs back to his trailer for the night.


	10. Making Progress

It's morning, the drivers are all setting up and heading back into other trailers for the last leg of the journey. Hisoka didn't double back, follow him and try to break into the trailer. Or, at least that's what the book resting against the door as an alarm told him. A weak defense, but it's also a jump to say that Hisoka would go so far as to break in then trouble himself with hiding his tracks. If there's anything Hisoka isn't going to do without a massive pay off, its hide himself.

Either way, there's no reason to hide in his own trailer. He crosses the clearing as quickly as he can and knocks the door on Kurapika's trailer.

Kurapika swings open the door and his face goes from disinterest to excitement in the drop of a hat. Gon's smothering in his hug, Kurapika's squeezing him tighter than usual but its not unwelcome. He doesn't feel any embarrassment in it; in fact, it's kind of nice. "Gon, you have no idea how happy I am to see you."

Nothing to fear from basic, friendly contact, "I've got a pretty good idea, actually." Gon follows Kurapika into his trailer; which might as well be the Tardis as massive as the thing is. The walls are clean with wooden panels and smooth walls, the bed's covered in pillows and a plastic cover separates the driver's seat from the rest of the trailer. "Nice place, real expensive lookin'. I give it a pass but if they let it get dirty again, I'm giving Hisoka a black eye."

"Hisoka isn't the maintenance man, Gon." Kurapika flops back on the bed and spreads his arms.

"Well, no but I want to punch Hisoka in the face for being a creep, plus he said we're not going to York New for a little while."  
Kurapika's pout should be illegal, he cocks his head in an annoyed glint and heaves a sigh. Something like a teddy bear slumping to its side, disappointed but adorable. In a moment that escapes him, he pinches Kurapika's cheek.

Kurapika blinks at him and he doubles back, innocent or not, that wasn't cool. He shouldn't take advantage and touch people because they looked appealing, if anyone should know that, he should. "My bad, I didn't mean to do that you just...were really cute.." If he mumbles, maybe Kurapika won't hear him and won't push the subject.

Gon glances and Kurapika's tapping his own cheek, there's a little twinkle in his eye and Gon hides his face since none of this is helping the situation. "Cute, huh...that's not usually a word used for me. Thanks."

Kurapika's hand touches his, he loses it, scrambling towards the headboard. Damn it, he caught himself acting weird in front of Kurapika; but nothing's happening, why's his heart clawing up his throat? They're a couple, they're planning a date, this should be normal, why isn't he relaxing?

"So, ah-about York New city...I know and it's unfortunate, there's some pretty fun stuff in York New...at least now we'll have more money to spend when we get there though." Kurapika mumbles, scratching the back of his head.

Gon kicks his shoes off and folds his legs underneath him. "So, um, does this mean our date is moved back?"

His instincts shouldn't kick in, but they do and Kurapika's pause scares him. For a half second, Kurapika could kick him out at any moment for any reason, he secretly hates him; Within his own mind, in Kurapika's life, he's a waste of space. Then reality kicks back in when Kurapika's smile turns a bit sad, Gon got caught out being anxious again. "Has anyone ever told you how adorable you are? We can always have a date if we're together, Gon." Kurapika's hand twitches as if he wants to reach out and hold, shit he feels awful now.

"It's okay, you can touch me now I'm cool with it, I couldn't see it coming and I'm sorry for sort of, I mean I'm the one who pinched your cheek first-"

Kurapika reaches out and glides his hand against Gon's arm, his heart leaps up his throat, is it fear or love or plain force of habit? Can he retreat without fearing Kurapika might internalize that too?

Physical touch, or at least physical acknowledgement is needed in relationships, in romance and those are things he wants to share with Kurapika. He doesn't want Kurapika to stop touching him. But then it's like spotlights are burning on his shoulders and people are watching even when people aren't there-

"Gon," Looking up wouldn't be so hard if he didn't know Kurapika's face was there, but that defeats the whole point then. He manages and Kurapika's mouth is resting lazily against his, not pushing or insistent. Now panic alarms should go off, code red, retreat, spit out an excuse, do something to not seem like a complete tool. Yet, with Kurapika, the embarrassment fades, there's nothing to fear here, nothing to hide.

He presses forward, his lips tingling in time with Kurapika's mouth and the clenching of the warm, melting feeling at the pit of his stomach. "Who made you not want to be romantic, who made you embarrassed to enjoy this?" His breath tastes like a bite of sweet mint dancing on the tongue, he's hit his limit.

"Minefield, stop." Gon turns to look away but Kurapika's hand is soft on his cheek, he doesn't want to look, it feels like he's being examined but Kurapika's strength is insistent.

"No, I won't stop because I've been doing it so far and its gotten us nowhere." Kurapika's forehead rests against his, blonde finger tickles his cheeks and forehead. Arms are looping around his waist, Kurapika's voice is breathy against his skin. Any more of this and he'll run the risk of overheating.

"I'll leave."

"The trailer's already moving."

"I'll duck and roll." He doesn't sound quite as serious as he thought he would.

"Cute, but we're going in a straight line."

"...I'm allowed?"

"To what?"

"To touch you?"

"Why wouldn't you be, I don't understand...?"

"I don't want to risk hurting you."

"I'll tell you if you hurt me."

"I don't want to do something and then you say you didn't like it or want it."

"Gon, you can't know what I'm feeling at every given moment. Touch me, be daring, risk rejection."

"But I don't wanna hurt you."

"...Well, have you considered that maybe I'd kind of like that?" Kurapika bites reddening lip and steals the breath from the bottom of his lungs. That motion and those words, break every 'rule' he has and he's on the fence. He wants to risk it, but at the same time he doesn't; what if something happens, what if they can't turn back after this and it changes their friendship? Kurapika's mouth brushes against his again, this time a flash of curious tongue ghosts against his lower lip. How anyone handles intimacy without overheating escapes him.

"I'm scared."

"Don't be, I trust you, I want you to do whatever it is you want to do."

What does he want to do? He wants to stop this entire thing and not have some knotting ball in his chest that's encouraging him to seek some sort of release and not have a painful warmth resting between his legs. At the same time, he doesn't want to stop touching Kurapika, he wants that. He wants to be sexual with Kurapika without risking anything, any loss of control or relationship chances.

"I don't want to change what we have but I want to kiss you." Gon manages past his embarrassment, even while he's dodging Kurapika's steady gaze. "I want to do things with you, I want to feel comfortable doing them but I don't."

"I'm not scared, I don't think you'll hurt me intentionally. Is that what you're scared of, making a mistake?" No, duh, that's precisely the problem; why do something so drastic and so high level when he's perfectly okay with where they are, even when kissing Kurapika a haunting, alluring thought. How about this, start by kissing me."

"Where?"

"Anywhere."

Gon wonders, the hand is too formal but the mouth is too intimate, too many places to get wrong, the nose is childish...the cheek, perhaps. Yes, he presses his lips to Kurapika's cheek, the skin is warm to the touch, the blonde wraps his arms around him with a faint whisper of thanks. They untangle from each other perfectly, none of the awkward body gymnastics he was expecting; though for what it's worth it was only a simple hug, nothing to get too excited about.

Kurapika sets the laptop up against the foot of the bed playing Captain America. Gon pretends to watch, Kurapika doesn't say anything and the whole situation fades into awkward silence. How the hell is he supposed to interface with someone after hearing and seeing that, seeing how alluring Kurapika can be, teeth grazing against his bottom lip with a clear and obvious need. Then of all things acting on it, he can't stop licking his lips and a warm ember rests on his tongue.

The day goes on and settles into night and they're halfway through the Marvel universe, Gon's arm is half asleep because he isn't going to risk moving his arm and waking Kurapika but he can't bear another second of watching the movies. Snark and superheroes has its mileage, but its nowhere near enough to get him through the entire universe in one sitting, that's something Kurapika can do on his own. He clocks out halfway through Thor 2.

He wakes up from the sound of Kurapika's pained grunt and rolls over to find Kurapika tangled up on the sheets on the floor like a child. "You okay?" He mumbles past his sleep.

"Yeah, I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's cool, its almost - holy hell its almost one in the afternoon." Gon closes the laptop, he's never slept this late before without performing. "Alright, let me head to my trailer and get out of your way-"

"You're not in my way sweetheart, there's a bathroom in the back here."

Gon mumbles an okay then realizes Kurapika's inviting him to use the bathroom, "I gotta go." He spits and speeds to the door.

"What's wrong?"

"It's fine, I mean its cool, I-I actually kind of need to go, to my trailer I mean." In the trailer while Kurapika's in the other room naked, wet and vulnerable sounds like some restrictive, awkward nightmare.

"Alright, I understand; See you outside in about an hour?"

"Okay, y-yeah, sounds cool." Gon tumbles out of the trailer and back to his own, clutching at where his heart should be. Between kissing and sharing a bed and lip biting - which should be illegal for Kurapika to do - he's heading for an early grave. The thought of it, the outright audacity of it; a physical relationship for him after everything that's happened. A physical relationship for someone no one should ever be able to love.

He changes into his old green short outfit and heads out to stretch his legs. Five minutes of peeking around town bears nothing besides getting more than enough weird looks from the locals - why did he change back into booty shorts? What was he expecting from an inhabited clearing of trees so small that from the entrance, you can see the exit?

This is the sort of place where nothing happens bar a cat getting stuck in a tree. Bland, boring...

Outright sickening. Makes him scratch the back of his neck, want to head back to the trailer and sleep this out; the sooner the trope is out of here the better.

No arcade or bouncy house or anything fun around here; though maybe heading into an arcade at a teenager in booty shorts wouldn't be the best scene for him. Best attraction is a quaint building smelling of fresh baked bread, only because its within sight of where the trailers are parked. The moment Kurapika's out of his trailer, he's in the wind. He walks through the red string bead door and warmth from the massive stove on the opposite wall envelopes him.

The few tables dotted here and there hardly have anyone sitting at them, except towards the back where Hisoka sits alone. One foot propped up on his chair, hair down to shoulder length, slumping in his seat and flipping a card between his fingers. The kitchen is open air, two people are there should Hisoka try anything.

Gon eases into range of sight and sits two tables away, people or not he's not taking any chances. "You must be bored out of your mind."

Hisoka's eyes roll to his general direction, the card in his hand flipping from an eight of diamonds to a king of hearts. "I take it I'm not the only one."

"What would give you that impression?"

"Ah," Hisoka smiles, card flashing the crooked grin of a joker. "You mean to tell me you're spending time with me because you enjoy my presence?"

A fair enough point, Gon allows himself to laugh. Hisoka's smile brightens, at least he knows when he's not wanted.

"Begs the question as to why you're here, though now doesn't it?" Gon rolls his tongue, stepping onto uneasy territory.

"A simple man can't head into a shop and buy himself a loaf of sugar bread for the road? What depressing times we live in."

"Answer the question-"

"Let me propose a far more interesting one; why are you here, talking to me?" Hisoka's smile drops with such a bored, heavy drawl, he must be messing with his head; Hisoka never goes from cloud nine to sounding as if his eyes are ripping themselves from his skull from boredom."You believe yourself to be my victim, yet here you are, freely walking into my space."

"I want..." What does he want out of this and is that a question he should be asking; It's hard enough to think about what he wants with Kurapika. Why is he poking the human wasp nest that is Hisoka? "I want answers about what happened."

"About what happened when? Please be more specific, so many strange and wonderful things happen in our world today, Gon~" Back to flipping that face switching card over and over. His mouth fills with cotton, there are certain things he can't vocalize if only because it hurts too much to remember them. Hisoka chuckles, because he knows it. "This might amaze you, but you are going to have to be...confrontational."

He's smart enough to know what Hisoka really means; 'You're going to have to speak plainly with me'. But he's not sure whether so much has happened or because Hisoka wants to savor his moment of boldness, the blatant, disgusting crime of his outright molestation leaving the mouth of his victim. 'Why did you molest me, why did you make me not trust people?' He swallows down and shakes his head, why even ask when you aren't going to get a straight answer - what are the chances that Hisoka spontaneously develops empathy?

"Between you and Kurapika." Gon tosses a napkin off his table with a groan, there's a headache brewing behind his eyes.

On some level he did want answers for why he was hurt, why Hisoka switched from being the closest thing he had to a friend and perhaps, on some level, father figure, to being at the top of the 'people to watch out for' list. But the rest of him wants answers for everything else; why is he conveniently checked out but still haunting the corners of his life, going as far as befriending his boyfriend? A small part of him wants it to have never happened.

"Ah, speaking of which how are thing's going with Kurapika? I haven't spoken to him in so long."

"That's a strangely tame question coming from you." Gon groans, maybe if he seems annoyed enough Hisoka won't press him on it; Kurapika and him is a whole other rabbit hole to jump down some other time.

"Is it really though?" Hisoka whispers, pocketing his card with a mischievous glint in his eye. "Last I remember, you didn't handle being around anyone else very well."

Anyone else meaning 'around anyone but me', curling up and dying would be a wonderful course of action right now. All those years spent alone with no one but Hisoka to keep him company. The more he thinks of it, the more pathetic he sounds. It's every embarrassing moment of his childhood coming back to him in a blast of self loathing - a plate slaps down on his desk, loaded with two slices of pizza.

He looks up and Hisoka's already walking out of the restaurant with a box of pizza slung under his arm.


End file.
